


Fandom Flotsam

by jixiani



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Star Trek: The Next Generation (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:26:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24051298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jixiani/pseuds/jixiani
Summary: I was cleaning out old files and found a bunch of unfinished, abandoned fics. Most of these haven't been touched in over a decade and I will probably never pick them up and finish them, but I don't want to just delete them and forget them. I figured that I would share them, maybe they'll inspire someone, maybe they'll just give someone a laugh. If nothing else, maybe it'll help someone to know that everyone starts somewhere.
Kudos: 1





	1. Lord of the Rings- Boromir - last edited 2002

(Author's note: I wrote this after the first time watching Fellowship of the Ring in theaters in, I think '01. I hadn't read the book in years and didn't remember that Boromir arrived at Rivendell alone, after being lost in the wilderness for weeks. So, this is just a strange AU where he arrives with an escort I guess? Also, times change, the concept and term "Tomboy" may be a bit more problematic in the age of changing gender norms. I mean no offense.)

“Would you put that thing away already?” Lindsey asked lying on the bed trying to unlace her bodice. She was speaking to her sister Jackie who was playing with her new sword. They had just gotten home from the Renaissance Fair, where Lindsey worked in a shop. She was still dressed in her wench wear, a blue circle skirt and light green bodice over an off white chemise, her long curly black hair tucked up in a snood. Her sister Jackie had decided that it was far too hot to wear so many layers of skirts and complained that she couldn’t breathe in her bodice, so she had worn her baggy black pants and white men’s poet shirt, her extremely short black hair had been hidden under a wide-brimmed hat to keep the sun out of her face, but she had already taken that off. 

“I am practicing Lin. At least I know how to use it.” Jackie replied sheathing the sword, bringing it over her head and hooking her arms over it so that it rested across her shoulders, then she flopped down on the bed opposite her sister.

“Not like you’ll ever get the chance, Jack.” Lin, as her sister called her taunted. She was still having much trouble getting the bodice unlaced, but wasn’t about to ask for help.

“I wish we could go on an adventure, a real one.” Jackie sighed and immediately regretted it. They were no longer in their room lying on the bed; they were now in a forest, looking up at the trees. 

“What did you just do?” Lin asked sitting up.

“I didn’t do anything!” Jackie said defensively.

“Well I didn’t, and suddenly I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore Toto.” Lindsey was lacing herself up again; she didn’t want to be falling out of her chemise in a strange forest with who knows what might live there chasing after them.

“Hey, there’s someone coming, maybe we can ask them where we are.” Jackie said and stood, but Lin clamped her hand over her mouth before she could shout.

“Um, hello, stupid? We don’t know where we are or who they are, they could be murderers! Come on, hide.” She said and dragged her sister down the embankment by the road and under an overhanging log. From there they could watch the road, but those on the road couldn’t see them.

Boromir halted his horse; he had seen something hadn’t he? Something on the road had run off down the hillside. He signaled to his companions to keep watch. 

“What is it, my lord?” One of the horsemen asked, readying his bow.

“I do not know, I thought I saw something. It may have been nothing, or it may have been orcs. Best we keep our wits about us.”

The party rode on slowly, watching for any possible movement in the growth. 

As the riders approached, they could make out more details about them. There were five of them on horseback. They didn’t appear to be in any sort of a hurry. And they looked like something right out of a storybook, only dirtier. They were all wearing tunics and chain mail and carried swords, some had bows, which were out and ready to shoot. They were about to pass them. Lin held her breath. Jackie sneezed.

“Who goes there? Come out or we’ll be forced to shoot.” The middle rider with the blonde hair demanded. He seemed like the leader. Lin slowly stood her hands up in the air to show that she was unarmed, Jackie soon followed suit. The riders looked amused and relieved. 

“So these are our assassins? A woman and a young boy?” The blond man chuckled. 

“We’re not assassins! And I’m- OW! What’d you do that for?” Jackie exclaimed as Lin elbowed her hard in the ribs. 

“I am Lindsey, and this is my brother Jack.” Lin said calmly, receiving a glare from the aforementioned “brother”. 

“And what brings you out to the woods alone young ones?” The blond that Lin could have sworn that she recognized asked. ‘Jack’ opened her mouth to protest again and again ended up with an elbow to the ribs. 

“First, tell me, who might you be, and why you should be passing through the woods?” Lin asked, slipping into Ren-mode. 

“I am Boromir, son of Denethor Steward of Gondor, and my business is my own. Now, will you not answer?” Boromir…Gondor…Oh shit. They were in Lord of the Rings! Lin’s mind was doing flip-flops; she barely even noticed that Jack was speaking.

“-calling her to Rivendell, and I merely travel with her to protect her from dishonest men, although if you are as you say, then I have no need to worry,” Jack said squaring her shoulders and daring anyone to challenge her.

“Visions?” One of the other riders questioned suspiciously. 

“Yes, she has had them since she was young, and I learned long ago that we should abide by them, for they are never misleading.” Jack said, inclining her head just a bit. Lin was eternally grateful to whatever higher power was out there that her sister had kept her head better than she had.

“Strange, I too travel to Rivendell to hold counsel with the elves, perhaps this is the calling you speak of. Very well, lady you may ride with us, I do not wish to insult your brother’s courage, but there are many foul things in these woods, and there is not much one can do against many. You would both be safer if you traveled with my men.” Boromir said. Jackie was stubborn, but she wasn’t stupid, she had the sense to keep her mouth shut and accept the offer. Lin rode with Boromir, and Jack rode behind one of his guards, a young man named Flare. 

As it turned out they hadn’t been very far from Rivendell. It only took a day and a half to reach the Elven city. Of course along the way the two girls got to learn the inconvenience of being female without indoor plumbing. Guys had it so easy; the world was their urinal. Which made it even harder for ‘Jack’, Lin’s ‘brother’ to keep up appearances as a young boy. Needless to say, the girls were happy when they reached Rivendell. Then they at least had privacy, sort of. Lin, being female received her own room, but Jack, as “one of the guys'' as she put it, had to share one with Flare. She wasn’t sure she was going to be able to deal with this; she had gone from a twenty-two-year-old woman to a fifteen-year-old boy and now she had to share a room and a bed with another guy. And she couldn’t stop blushing! She covered by saying it was all of those pretty elves. The men all laughed but seemed to accept it. She was fine through dinner, and the entertainment afterward, but when it came time to retire for the night she found herself once again in a predicament. Flare apparently slept in the nude. There was no way she was going to be sleeping in that bed. 

“Are you not going to retire Jack?” Flare asked, noting the youth standing looking out the window. 

“Oh, um, no, I believe I will check on my sister first and see that she is comfortable.” Jack stammered and walked out of the room. She was hoping that she would make it to Lin’s room without running into anyone, but unfortunately, she met Boromir in the halls. 

“Ah, good evening Jack, why are you not in bed?” He asked. 

“I was not yet weary, and I thought I should check on Lin before I retired.” She said, trying her best not to look at the man. Hopefully, it was dark enough out that he wouldn’t see that she was bright red. 

“She is well, I have only just returned from her room and have made sure that she has everything she needs.” He said with a satisfied smile. Was fate totally against her? 

“Well, in that case, I thank you and I will go for a stroll in the gardens until I tire.” She said and walked briskly past him, down the hall towards the garden. Now she would have to walk around there for a while in case he decided to check on her. And she was tired, they had posted watches at night, which, being a young man, she had to take a watch. It had not been nearly as much fun as she had thought it would be and it was starting to wear on her, she used to be able to stay up all night without a problem, now it was barely dark and she was beaten. Finally, after an hour of dosing off on a bench in the gardens, it was apparent that Boromir wasn’t going to check on her and she went to Lin’s room to see if she couldn’t sleep there. 

“Who is it?” Lin finally managed to get out when she heard the knocking.

“It’s me!” Jack whispered. 

“Oh, come on in.” Jack slid through the door and walked over to where her sister sat in her bed and immediately collapsed on it.

“Are you ok?” Her sister asked cautiously.

“Flare…nude…me sleep here?” She babbled into the covers that her face was buried in. Her sister started laughing.

“Not funny…tired…please?” Jack tried again.

“And if Boromir comes in to check on me again, how am I going to explain my little brother sleeping in my bed? Besides you hog the covers.” Lin crossed her arms.

“But…tired…nude Flare?” Jack was on the verge of giving her puppy dog eyes.

“Oh alright, you can stay, but you’re sleeping on the floor just in case.” Lin sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Woo hoo!” Jack grabbed a blanket and a pillow and instantly fell asleep in the corner. 

The next morning everyone in the riding party awoke rested and refreshed, except for a certain young “boy” that awoke rather groggily after an uncomfortable night on a corner of the cold, hard floor. The elfin woman that had come in to put on a kettle of water to heat for a bath gave the youth a curious look as she passed. 

“Sleep well, brother?” Lin said with a snicker after the woman had left. 

“Mmph, shu’dup.” Jack mumbled as she slipped past her sister and into the bathroom. At least they had tubs and chamber pots, it wasn’t much, but it was better than the woods. Best of all, there was a door. 

“Hey! I was going to take a bath!” Lin pouted.

“You can take one when I’m done.” Jack’s voice came muffled through the door and the splash of water into the tub. 

“Great, you’re going to use all the hot water.” Lin mumbled and started searching through the wardrobe for something to wear. The elves had said that she could find dresses there. She was admiring a lovely violet colored gown when there was a knock at the door.

“Now who could that be?” Lin sighed, threw on a robe, and went to see who the latest cause of her frustration was. It was Boromir.

“Good day milady, I hope that I am not disturbing you. Flare informed me that your brother had not returned last night. Have you seen him?” The steward asked. He looked genuinely concerned. 

“Yes, he stayed here last night, on the floor. He seemed rather disturbed about Flares sleeping attire.”

“Ah, I see.” He said, not really seeing, but not wanting to press the issue. “The elves have been gracious enough to procure clothing for the boy, although they will be rather large on him. Where should I bring them?”

“He’s in the bath at the moment, you may bring them here and I will give them to him.”

“Is there anything I may get for you milady?”

“More hot water. He is notorious for long baths.” With a quick bow, he left to retrieve the clothing and to bring more water to heat. Lin walked over to the bathroom door. 

“Oh brother dear, you were missed.” She said in a singsong voice.

“So I heard.” She said flatly, and then added almost to herself, “They don’t have any towels.” Lin giggled.

“I’ll go see if I can find some.”

Meanwhile, Jackie was quite enjoying her soak. The tub was deep, the water warm and the elves even had scented oils and flower petals to put in the water. Lin would be furious when she found out she had used all of the flowers, but she’d deal with that later. She had the feeling she wouldn’t be having a bath for a long while, let alone with any pretty girly type things like flowers. There was a knock on the door, but she ignored it, they could come back when Lin had returned with the towels, until then, she wasn’t moving from the tub. She did, however, start to panic when she heard the door open and Boromir’s voice.

“Milady? Lin? Jack? Jack are you still in the bath?”

“Yes.” She called hoping he’d just go away.

“Ah, I have brought you fresh clothing. I shall bring it into you.” With that, the door started to creek open. Jack ducked under the water up to her chin. Luckily there were enough flowers to cover the top of the water.

“Just put them on the ledge over there. Thank you.” She squeaked out. 

“They may be large for you.” He started, and then noticing Jack’s discomfort asked: “Is there something wrong?” He placed the clothing where she had said. 

“No, no, nothing wrong.” Ok, so maybe her voice was a little high pitched even for a girl at this point. The Steward looked at her in amusement. 

“Flowers?” She knew she was bright red at this point; let him think she was embarrassed about the flowers.

“Um, I accidentally knocked over the jar of them and they spilled into the tub, I had already gotten into the water, and there was nothing to dry with, so I am ignoring them.” She said, trying to act boyish again. If Lin saw her in this predicament, she’d die of embarrassment. 

“Very well, I will leave you to your petals. I’ve arranged for someone to bring more water, they will be here shortly.” He said with more than a hint of laughter in his voice as he closed the door behind him. Jack was about to relax again when the door opened. This time it was Lin.

“I just ran into Boromir in the hall and he said that you had used all of my flowers.” She said, hands on her hips.

“Shut up, just give me a towel please?” Lin couldn’t help but laugh at her beet-red sister.

“You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.” She said, dropped the towels next to the tub, and ran out the door before Jack could throw something at her. Jack sighed and stood, wrapping a towel around herself and stepping out of the tub. She surveyed the clothing Boromir had brought. They were indeed too large, but that would help to hide her figure. She wasn’t as well developed as her sister, but it was still quite obvious that she was a woman. The pants were a bit snugger than hers, both around the hips and the legs, but the shirt looked like it was long enough to cover them. Only one problem, there was a slit in the shirt that came halfway to her navel. She dried off and put them on anyway. An elf came in to empty the tub and add new hot water as Jack was putting on her boots. She cast a curious glance at Jack when she noticed the flowers. Was everyone going to harp on her about them? The elf gathered up her clothing.

“I will take these to be cleaned.” She said and left. Jack walked out to find her sister sifting through dresses.

“What do you think, the blue one, or the violet?” She said holding them up. 

“You are such a girl.” She said, shaking her head. “The violet.” She added as she flopped down on the bed.

“Um, Jack, you have a slight problem with that shirt.” Lin said as she walked past. 

“I know. What should I do?” 

“Wear my bodice underneath.” Lin disappeared into the bathroom. Jack followed her.

“I can’t do that! What if someone sees it?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it would shame your image. After all, you did use all of the flower petals, they probably think you’re weird anyway.” 

“Yeah, but who knows what they’d do if they saw me wearing a bodice, besides, I can’t breathe in those things!” Jack knelt next to the tub that Lin had now settled into. 

“You’re the history buff, what did women do before bras were invented?” Lin asked.

“Not the history of women’s undergarments. Maybe they bound their chests?” 

“Well, there you go. Just say that you hurt your ribs or something if anyone notices. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” Lin said as she ducked under the water. Jack sighed and walked out to give her sister some privacy.

Once Lin had emerged from her bath, she put on the violet dress. It was quite pretty, with an empire waist and bell sleeves. She could get used to this. Jack was sitting on the bed talking to Boromir when she walked into the main room. Boromir immediately stood and bowed. 

“Good day milady, did you enjoy your bath?” 

“Why yes, I did thank you.” 

“Boromir came to tell us that there is a council today and Lord Elrond has requested our presence.” Jack said with a strangely suspicious smile.

“Yes, and I am here to escort you and your brother there.” Boromir said offering his arm. Behind him, Jack rolled her eyes. They traveled down the corridors to an outdoor meeting area where an assortment of men and elves were already seated. Boromir led Lin to her seat then took his; Jack was left to fend for herself, luckily Flare motioned to the seat next to his. No sooner had she sat than Lord Elrond stood and began. It seemed that they had been waiting for them. 

“Friends, travelers from distant lands…(the sisters couldn’t help but zone out, they had both read the book several times and found the council tedious.)...Frodo, bring forth the ring.” A short curly-haired boy stepped forwards and placed a ring on a pedestal.

“It is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor.” Boromir said standing. Lin glanced at her sister, sending an ‘uh-oh’ look, but Jack just shrugged there wasn’t much they could do. Their silent conference was interrupted by a sudden booming voice, which filled the atmosphere with darkness. 

“Never before has the black speech been uttered in Imladris.” Elrond said looking rather put off.

“I will not apologize, Master Elrond, for there may come a time when the black speech is spoken in every corner of Middle Earth.” Gandalf also appeared rather worse for wear.

“But why not use this ring.” Boromir started.

“Have you heard nothing Gandalf has said?” That must be Aragorn.

“And what would a ranger know of this.”

“This is no mere ranger, this is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and you owe him your allegiance.” And that would be the elf.

“Isilidors’ heir? Gondor has no king, Gondor needs no king.”

“Dude!” Jack had had enough. All the times that she had watched the movie and read the book, she had always just wanted to walk up to all of them and smack them, and now, against her sister’s warning looks, she was going to do just that.

“What did you say?” Boromir turned to look at her.

“Look, give it up. You’re the only one here that actually wants to use the thing. It’s evil, get it into your head!” At this point, Lin grabbed her and shoved her back into her seat.

“What do you think you’re doing?” She hissed, but it was too late, Boromir turned to glare at them.

“You are a mere child, what would you know of war or of anything for that matter, you are even too young to sleep among me, you need to hide behind your sister’s skirts instead. Leave this talk to men, and keep out of matters of which you know nothing.” Oh, but it wasn’t over. Jack's eye twitched. She was pissed. No one spoke to her like that. Unfortunately, Lin was too busy apologizing for her brother’s outburst to see that Jack had stood up. The son of the Steward did see but hadn’t expected a hard right hook to the jaw. Lin just buried her head in her hands as everyone else stared in shock. Of course, it hadn’t been enough to take the man down, so, the brawl commenced. Now, as her sister could tell you, you don’t want to be in a fight with Jack. She may not be strong, but what she lacks in strength she makes up for in agility and sheer determination. They were soon rolling about on the floor, trying to get a hold on each other and get in a punch here and there. When Aragorn, Flare and Legolas pried them apart Boromir was sporting a bruise and a scrape across a rather swollen looking cheek and seemed to be missing a chunk of hair, which was scattered across the floor, and Jack had a bloody nose and was holding her stomach from a rather solid blow to the ribs. 

“I will not tolerate such a disgrace in my city! You see now why the ring must be destroyed, it incited your tempers to the point of violence. This council will be reconvened tomorrow, and I expect you two and all of you to treat this matter with more dignity. Also, I will warn you, if you resume this conflict once more while under my roof, I will have you escorted out of Imladris. Now, off to the healers with you both., to the rest of you, I bid you goodnight.” Elrond said both Boromir and Jack cringed under his scolding. They had acted like asses and they knew it, and so didn’t protest when they were led out to the healers.

“OW!” 

“It wouldn’t hurt if you held still Jack.” Lin sighed as she wrapped the bandage around her sister’s hand. After being pronounced whole with only minor injuries, Jack had left the healers. Her nose had stopped bleeding, and she wasn’t about to have the elves poking around and finding out her little secret. Instead, Lin was helping to patch her up.

“That was so stupid! What the hell were you thinking!” She said and ‘accidentally’ pulled the wrapping too tight causing Jack to wince.

“I wasn’t.” 

“Yes, and that’s just your problem, you never do! You just jump right in and make a mess of things. What was that saying? “never test the water with both feet?” Gawd, you are such a tomboy, I can’t believe you were actually fighting with him!” Of course, Jack was quite used to these fights by now, she had always been the rough and tumble one, and whenever she would get in trouble for her escapades she was ensured a good lecture by her sister. So, after Lin was sure that Jack wasn’t going to be bleeding all over the place, she relented and let Jack go and take out her frustrations on some inanimate object.

“Just don’t get us kicked out, ok?” Lin called after her, she too was used to her sister’s actions. 


	2. Lord of the Rings-Sail on part 1- 2008

Warning: This chapter has adult language. 

(Author's note: This is a multi-part fic because there was originally going to be a sequel. The story behind this was that an Elf and girl switch places, the girl gets turned into elf, and befriends Gandalf. Meanwhile, the elf befriends the girl's roommate. She teaches him about the modern world. They have fun adventures such as ‘clubbing’ ‘bar hopping’ ‘concerts’ and ‘laundry day’. The girl Ends up pretending to be Estell’s sister. Doesn’t tell anyone she’s an elf, for reasons...I don't remember why...and becomes friends with Legolas. The elf helps the roommate straighten out her life, and eventually, they live happily ever after. Of course, I didn't get that far, I barely got a chapter down before the muse left me.)  
  
  
She wants to get home. He wants his immortality back. Throw in a Gothic roommate with a drinking problem and a meddling wizard and what you have is definitely not your average girl dropped into ME story. 

Malare gazed up at the stars and sighed. He would be setting sail for the undying lands with the others at first light. It was the destiny of all firstborn to sail into the west, and yet he found himself loath to go. He had heard the sea’s call and wished to heed it, however, somehow he couldn’t help this feeling inside him. It was as if he desired to be elsewhere. The only question was: where. He had no wish to stay on Arda, there was nothing left for him here; his mother, father, sister, everyone he knew already resided in the undying lands, he had tarried long enough as is because of this feeling. Now he stood beneath the night sky more puzzled than he had been when they had departed. If he did not belong on Arda any longer and did not heed the sea’s call, then where else would he go? Was there another choice? Was that what this feeling was trying to tell him? Malare sank to the ground and buried his head in his hands. What place did the world hold for an elf if they could not choose between the sea and land?   
“Grant me an answer, I beg of you.” He whispered up to the stars, hoping that perhaps they would hear his plea. He lay back upon the ground and watched the heavens wheel on above him. He would listen to this feeling. He had always followed his heart, and surely it would not fail him now. When the others sailed on the dawn, he would again stay behind, and he would not leave until he had explored all of Arda and quenched this desire to be elsewhere. Somehow, he would find where it was his heart longed to be. With this finally decided, he resigned himself to walking the dreams of his kind.   
  
“Yo, Leanne, get your ass out of bed!” Angie yelled from her room down the hall. She had been sleeping peacefully until her roommate’s alarm clock had gone off. It was now beeping incessantly and driving her crazy. That was it! She was going to turn the damn thing off herself. She untangled herself from her bedsheets and rolled onto the floor, knocking many bottles over in the process. She had had a long night and she did not have to have her best friend’s alarm go off an hour after she had gone to sleep. She finally managed to stumble out into the hall and make her way to the next room. The alarm still hadn’t been turned off, which meant that Leanne had probably gotten up early and gone to school already, forgetting to switch it off.   
“Ok, note to self, hurt Leanne severely for leaving her alarm clock on when she leaves.” Angie mumbled as she pushed her friend’s door open…revealing a very frightened young man. She blinked a few times as her hungover mind tried to take in her surroundings. Clothes littered the floor and several other surfaces, every available flat space was taken up with junk, posters on the walls and ceiling: Yup, this was Leanne’s room alright. So she hadn’t stumbled into the wrong apartment. Next, she took a look at the boy. He had backed himself against the wall furthest from the alarm clock, hands pressed against his ears, and was staring at her. He said something, but she couldn’t hear correctly over the beeping, so she walked in and hit the little switch on top of the clock.  
“Wha’d you say?” She asked turning around. He lowered his hands but didn’t step away from the wall.  
“You speak the common tongue?” He asked softly. Angie rolled her eyes; Leanne brought home the weirdest people.  
“Um, yeah, where’s Leanne?” She asked, but he didn’t answer, instead, he started asking questions.  
“Where is it you have taken me to, who are you, what is this place, what was that?” He took a moment to pause and point at the alarm clock.   
“Ok, cut the shit, if you don’t tell me where she is, I’m going to call the cops.” She was beginning to get worried.   
“I know not of this Leanne. I only wish to know what has transpired.” He said almost pleadingly.  
“Alright, who are you?” She asked, looking around for something to use as a weapon just in case. This guy was starting to scare her.  
“I am Malare, what is your name milady?” He said taking a step forward.  
“You can call me Angie, and you can stay back.” She said getting ready to run for it.  
“I mean you no harm. I awoke this morning to find myself here, I know not what has become of your friend.” He did, however, stop his advance. ‘Great’ Angie thought. ‘This guy’s some sort of psycho’.  
“Look, if this is some sort of joke, it’s really fucked up.” What had she done to deserve this? Her head was throbbing. Where was Leanne?  
  
Leanne was not happy. Not that she ever was in the morning, she was not known for being a morning person, especially when the sun woke her up at dawn only to reveal that she was not sleeping in her bed, but in a field, and a rather damp, chilly one at that. Her first reaction had been fear, which was understandable; anyone in their right mind would be frightened to find themselves in the middle of some field when they lived in a city, far away from all things green. And no matter how hard she tried she just could not remember how she had gotten there. It disturbed her to no end. Could she have been kidnapped and left where ever she was? She really didn’t think that she had sleepwalked there. It was entirely possible that this was all some kind of joke that Angie and her friends were playing on her, once they had taken a camping trip and they had left her stranded in the woods without her wallet or cell phone or anything and she had had to hike her way to a ranger station where they had all been conveniently waiting for their ‘lost’ friend. She was usually a light sleeper, but she wouldn’t put it past them to do something like this, and if that was the case, then she figured she should start walking. She was bound to run into someone with a phone sooner or later, and would Angie ever get it when she got home. That had been a few hours ago. Her walking had become trudging as the sun had gotten higher and higher in the sky and she had still found no sign of civilization. She was starting to give up on the idea that Angie had arranged for this, there just was nowhere this big that didn’t have some sign of life. Even national parks had ranger stations and roads, but she hadn’t seen as much of a candy wrapper all day. It was beginning to get ridiculous. She was about to give up when she was almost run down by a horse. She promptly screamed and dove out of the way.   
“What the hell?” She yelled, picking herself up off the ground and dusting herself off. Upon closer inspection, the horse was pulling a small cart containing an old man and a rather short fellow with a beard.  
“I beg your pardon?” The old man asked.   
“Watch where you’re going! You could’ve killed me! What are you doing driving a horse through the middle of a field anyway?” Leanne asked crossing her arms and trying to look intimidating while staring up at them.  
“I will forgive your rudeness as you are upset, however, I would have you know that you are standing in the middle of the road.” The old guy said, rather angrily. Leanne glanced down to see packed dirt beneath her feet.  
“Oh. Sorry bout that.” Suddenly the dirt seemed very interesting. “Um, you wouldn’t happen to be able to tell me where I am, would you? I’m kind of lost.” She looked up with a sheepish smile. The two men looked her over skeptically. Looking down, she didn’t blame them. She was still wearing her short black sleeveless nightgown, which was now ripped in several places, and her bare feet where filthy. Her legs were covered in scratches and scrapes from her walk through the waist-high weeds and her dive off the road. Her arms were also pretty scratched and she had scraped her hands a couple of times when she had fallen. Getting a bit uncomfortable under their gaze, she nervously tucked a piece of unkempt hair behind her ear, only to hear one of the men gasp.  
“An elf?” It was the first time the short guy had spoken. She looked up alarmed. She turned to look behind her, but there was nothing there. Her brows knitted in confusion and she was about to ask what he was talking about, but the old man interrupted her.  
“You say you are lost, from where do you hail?”   
“Um, Pennsylvania.”   
“I know not of any land by that name. How came you to be here?” he asked as if he didn’t believe her.  
“Look, I don’t know who you are, or how I got here, where ever here is, but if this is some sort of joke, it isn’t funny.” She said taking a step backward.  
“I do not jest, I assure you. This is a most serious matter. I am Gandalf the Gray, and my companion is the dwarf Balin. You are currently standing on the main road to the Shire. Come now, do not be afraid, I will not harm you.” He said softly seeing that she was about to start crying at any moment. “We are traveling to Hobbiton, to visit an old friend; if you would join us I am sure that we can straighten everything out.” Leanne was finding it very hard not to trust him. There was something about him that made her feel safe. The other man, the one he had called Balin didn’t seem very friendly, however, and she hesitated, taking another step back, only to lose her footing on a rock and fall backward. 

  
Several hours and Asprin later, Malare and Angie were sitting at the kitchen table, the later holding a steak knife in her hand. They had been sitting this way for quite some time now though so the knife wasn’t really all that threatening anymore.    
“So, let me get this straight, you’re an elf?” When Malare nodded Angie let out an exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes. He was a loony, she was sure of it.    
“Okay, if memory serves me correctly, don’t elves normally have pointed ears?”   



	3. Lord of the Rings- Sail On part two- 2008

(Author's note: So this was going to be the beginning of the second part of the fic. I obviously didn't get very far and I kind of wish I remembered where I was going with it because I wouldn't mind coming back and working on a bit more of this.)

“Anne?” Gandalf called softly as he knocked on the girl’s door. There was no answer.

“Anne, I know for a fact that you are in there.” Inside, Leanne was halfway out the window. Unfortunately, after sixty years Gandalf had gotten to know his ward rather well and had been anticipating this.

“Leanne, get away from that window this moment and come open the door.” He said in his most commanding voice. This was answered with an exasperated sigh and the door soon opened a crack.

“You had better be alone.” She whispered harshly before peeking her head out to look around and ensure that there was no one else in the corridor before allowing the wizard in. No sooner had he stepped into the room, then she snapped the door shut and started pacing before him with her arms crossed, obviously rather upset.

“I do not see why you feel the need to lock yourself in your room all day.” The old wizard said although he knew exactly why she was hiding and whom she was hiding from. And if the glare she was sending him was any indication, she was well aware of this as well.

“Really Anne, I would think that you would want to see him again. You appeared to have been friends with him the last time you spoke.” He said taking a seat in the chair at her desk.

“Yes, but you forget that that was sixty years ago! What’s he going to say when he sees me here and I haven’t aged a day in all that time?” She said and sank onto the bed.

“If I were to guess, I would say he’d think that you were an elf. And you are an elf, so he would be quite right in his assumption.”

“I am not an elf! I am a temporary…”

“Anomaly.” He said, finishing her sentence for her. “Yes, although I wonder about whether you may still consider yourself as such after so long a time. At some point, all things cease to be ‘temporary’ and become permanent.”

“I’m not an elf.” She said with a pout to prove her statement. 

“No? My dear if something looks like a duck, and it behaves as a duck would and it makes an appropriate quacking sound, one would be led to believe that something in question is in fact a duck. And so if you look like an elf and age like an elf and have all of the other defining traits of an elf, one would have to assume that you are an elf.”

“It’s no use trying your logic on me Gandalf, I want no truck with it. And you can keep your ducks and elves to yourself, thank you very much.” He couldn’t help but chuckle at this. After all these years, she had not changed a bit: she was still just as stubborn and unruly as the day he had found her wandering about the shire. 

“You find this funny, don’t you? You’re just having the time of your life watching me be miserable aren’t you?” She asked once again glaring at him.

“Very much so. What is that phrase that you always use? The one about being proven correct?” 

“I told you so?”

“Yes, indeed, I told you so. Had I not advised you that it would be wise to tell him then about what you are?”

“No, I believe that you told me not to tell anyone about who I was or where I came from, and for that matter, not to speak at all except to yourself or to Estell for fear that my speech and behavior might alarm the others.” 

“I said nothing barring you from revealing your…what was it you called it?”

“My cover story?”

“Yes, yes that was it, I said nothing about revealing your cover story to the prince when he became curious, especially after you disobeyed me and spoke to him.”

“I did not speak to him, I cried out because I fell out of a tree.” 

“Really, who has ever heard of an elf falling out of a tree?”

“See, that only goes to prove that I am not an elf.” Gandalf fixed her with an impatient stare causing her to relent. “Fine, I’m a freakin’ elf. La-dee-da. What am I supposed to tell Legolas?”

“The truth would be a fine place to start.”

“Oh? So I should tell him that I lied to him and that I’m really a girl from another world that somehow got turned into an elf and transported here, and have been following you around for the past sixty years trying to find a way home, where I’m not an elf and in fact, there is no such thing as elves or wizards or dwarves?” If looks could kill she would have been six feet under. She sighed. “He still thinks I’m Estell’s little sister doesn’t he?”

“Yes. And that is precisely why I believe you are overreacting. If you do insist on withholding the truth about your race from him, which I do not advise, it would be unlikely that he would notice.”

“Come again?”

“If you would recall, Estell was not many years older than you when you first met, and after all this time he has not aged very many years in appearance. It would follow to reason that if you are of the same blood then you would not have aged either.”

“Gandalf, you’re a genius!” 

“Then I assume this means you will not tell him. I do not believe it wise to continue lying to him.”

“Hey, it was your idea in the first place.”

“Given the circumstances, I thought it best to reveal as little about your identity as possible. You do not behave as most elves do and you knew nothing of these lands or their people. It seemed like a good idea at the time.” She smirked a bit at yet another of her sayings that had made it into his vocabulary. 

“Shall we go to dinner?” He asked gently.

“Alright. But I want to sit as far away from him as possible.”

“You will have to tell him eventually.”

“Yeah, but eventually is a long way off yet.” Gandalf sighed at her reply and led her to the dining hall. 


	4. Star Trek Nemesis- 2011

(Author's note: So, This is actually the second version of this, I had started the original shortly after Nemesis came out but went back and edited it in 2011. After reading through it now for grammar mistakes I actually don't hate it...I might revisit this at some point. No promises, but I at least remember where I was going with the story and it doesn't make me cringe in embarrassment. Also, there isn't enough Nemesis fanfiction in the world.) 

Jean Luc sifted through what was left of his ready room after the battle with the Scimitar. They had lost Data, had sustained several casualties, and decimated their own ship, but at least for now, the Federation was safe. The captain’s foot ground something beneath it with the crunch of glass as he took a step and he bent to retrieve the picture he had inadvertently stepped on. Something lurched in his chest at the image, his own face, younger, staring back at him from his days at the academy. He stopped himself from flinging the photo back into the wreckage. The ordeal with Shinzon was a still-raw wound and he wondered if it would ever fade. The initial violation he had felt at having a clone warring with the tenuous connection and hope that he had felt during their talks now both buried under the hatred, disgust, and bitterness of their final confrontation; especially after Data’s sacrifice. Yet, as he looked at his own image smiling at him from the photo he also felt regret; regret for a lost opportunity, for a wasted life, for the pain that would glaze all such reminders of his own youth. He had felt the same regret in those last moments before Data had returned to rescue him, beneath the fear and determination he felt at what he thought would be his last act in life, he felt regret that this being, this part of himself, angry and lost as he was had fallen down such a dark path. He wondered, not for the first time whether there couldn’t have been another way.

It was a miserable night. The moon hung low in the sky, shrouded by summer haze. No breeze stirred the balmy air which, as Kate noted with disgust, smelled vaguely of fried goat cheese. She had climbed up to the roof in hopes to find some respite from the relentless heat, but it seemed the city had trapped it, refusing to allow in even a breath of cool air. If it had not been for the fact that she couldn't breathe in her room, she would have never come up here, and if she could gather enough energy to climb back down the stairs, she would have already done so. Although the roof of the apartment building offered a splendid view of the city, Kate had never been thrilled with it. During the daylight hours, the sun beat unrelentingly down on the city, reflecting off every shining surface it could find and obscuring the skyline behind a shimmering hazy veil. At night, thousands of lights from thousands of windows gazed back, a city that never slept awakening to the night. But to Kate who had spent most of her early childhood in a small town far from the city lights, the empty night sky would always feel alien. The lights that for the millions of residents and visitors marked the beginning of the nightlife and had come to be seen as a symbol for the city itself, made it impossible to see the stars she had come to be so accustomed to in her youth. It was only on exceptionally clear nights that the moon could be seen with any clarity except perhaps from the top of the taller buildings where the smoggy haze was not as thick.   
“God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually miss the suburbs.” She said leaning her head back to rest on the ledge behind her.   
  
“You know, you are the only person I know that can sleep sitting up.” Kate opened her eyes at this new voice and quickly shut them against the glaring light.   
“Ug, bright.” She groaned.   
“Well, yeah, the sun tends to be rather bright this time of the morning. Why were you sleeping on the roof?” Her roommate Alice’s voice drilled into her head which decided that it should protest both her sleeping accommodations and the bright sun by throbbing painfully.  
“Why are you so cheerful so early in the morning?” Kate asked finally venturing to open her eyes again only to be met by a glare from her petite roommate, the sun glinting off the woman’s blond hair.   
“It’s not early, it’s quarter to eleven. If you get moving now, you might actually make your eleven o’clock class.” Alice said helping her friend get into a somewhat standing position.   
“It’s what! Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?” Kate asked, suddenly panicked. Due to late-night shifts she had already overslept and missed two sessions of her 9:30 economics class. If she had missed a third by oversleeping again she would have to drop the class.   
“I didn’t know where you were, I figured you were already in class!” Alice called after her as Kate ran down the stairs.  
  
Kate cursed to herself as she hurried around the apartment getting her things. She threw on the most convenient clean clothing, not caring that the socks didn’t match, and threw her toiletries in her bag. She’d deal with them later. Alice had walked into the apartment in time to hand her a bottle of water and an apple as she flew out the door. With any luck, she could still catch the train, and then if she ran to the university she may only be a few minutes late. It was too late for economics, but maybe she could still salvage history. She slid down the rail on the steps leading to the subway, ignoring the disapproving looks she received from passers-by. At this point she really didn’t care what anyone thought of her, her GPA was on the line. She paused briefly to allow the turnstiles to accept her MetroCard before sprinting across the platform and into the train car just as the doors were closing. She stood for a few minutes supported by a metal pole as she caught her breath, before flopping down into an empty seat.  
“Running late?” She turned an annoyed look on the questioner; a tall, smartly dressed businessman.   
“No, I just felt like getting in some track and field practice.”  She replied smartly. Normally she wouldn’t have commented, she preferred to keep her head down and not interact with people on the train. Her mere existence as a young woman garnered her enough attention let alone the looks she got for her fashion choices and she had learned that most people in the city didn’t bother with you as long as you didn’t bother with them. This morning however she was tired and sore from sleeping on the roof, harried about running late, and mourning the fact that she was halfway through her economics class and would now be automatically failing it because of missed classes. Besides, it was a middle-aged businessman that had commented and he didn’t look particularly threatening.   
“There’s no need to be testy. You know, you should have a bit more respect for your elders.” The man replied curtly to her sarcastic comment. Kate sighed, she had a feeling this just wasn’t going to be her day.  
“Look, I’m not really in the mood for conversation, I am, as you so astutely noted, running late, I slept sitting up on a roof last night after getting home late from work because I had to cover for another waitress, and have to figure out something to tell my professor that will be a valid excuse for being late to his class. I am under more than a little stress trying to keep up my grades so I can graduate next semester, balance two jobs, and still manage to fit in a few hours here and there to sleep; so I’m sorry if I’m a bit ‘testy’.” She said uncapping her water and taking a sip.  
“I will never understand mortals. I mean, you have such precious little time to spend in this universe, yet you seem determined to fill every waking hour with work, which you then complain about incessantly.” The man said, shaking his head sadly. This was all she needed: a loony. Kate recovered enough to inch away from him but instead of sliding further down the seat as she had expected, she fell off the chair she suddenly found herself sitting in.  
“What the hell?” She demanded, looking around. The subway car was gone; she now sat on the marble floor of an empty grand central station.   
“It’s sad really, don’t you think?” The man said pacing in front of her.   
“Who-What are you?” Understandably she was slightly freaked out.  
“You’re no fun. You’re not playing the game. Don’t make me send you back, you’re too interesting.” While saying this, he knelt down so that he was eye level with her.  
“What’s sad?” Kate gave up trying to rationalize what was going on and decided to play along. If this was real, this man, or whatever he- it was, was powerful and not someone to piss off. If it wasn’t, well, what could it hurt to see where this would go?  
“See, I knew you were special. Most people about now would be rocking back and forth mumbling that this isn’t real. I should know; the last three people I tried to talk to had emotional breakdowns. It’s a shame really, how frail people are; but I saw you, and I said to myself, ‘this one’s different.” He had resumed his pacing sometime during his speech, but she didn’t really notice when, nor did she really want to know when or how for that matter he had changed out of the business suit and into a Napoleon costume.   
“Dude, pick a subject and stick to it; first you’re telling me that it’s sad, whatever ‘it’ is, then you refuse to answer my questions-“  
“I didn’t refuse; I just haven’t answered them yet.”  
“So…?” Kate prompted, getting rather tired of his game and beginning to feel her headache returning.  
“The stars.” He said gesturing to them and looking at her expectantly.  
“The stars.” She repeated, then getting no response she continued. “What kind of answer is that?” This time it was her turn to look at him expectantly.   
“Maybe you haven’t asked the right questions.” He said in a sort of singsong.  
“Stop talking in riddles!” She yelled, climbing to her feet. “What do you want?”  
“The question is, what do you want. Do you dance?” He asked, turning and offering his hand. He was now wearing a silver tux, and much to her chagrin, she was clad in a fluffy pink ball gown.   
“No, no I don’t.”  
“You should. Very relaxing, dancing that is. Every step leading to the next-” He began waltzing by himself around the station. “Everything is compared to dancing: Life, the universe, everything.”  
“Even stars?” She said with a smirk. As confusing as it all was, she had to admit that he was entertaining, in an infuriatingly annoying way.  
“Even stars.” He said, taking her by the hand and beginning to waltz with her. “It’s sad that even the stars in this city are artificial. I find it interesting how obsessed humans are with stars, that since they can’t see them, they make their own.”   
“So, you went through all this to discuss astronomy with me?” She asked trying valiantly not to step on the feet of either an obviously disturbed powerful being or the strangest dream she had had in a long time.  
“Don’t be conceited, this actually has very little to do with you. I owe an old friend a favor, and I want to pay him back. Besides, as I said, you’re too interesting for me to send back. You’re one of the few beings to actually play along with my games, most are frightened, and the others get quite annoyed at me for some unknown reason.” The being said, twirling her. Her dress twirled with her, swirling around her legs and changing from fluffy pink to a sleek dark blue that matched her hair.  
“I can’t imagine why.” She said and barely concealed a giggle.  
"So, if this doesn’t have anything to do with me, why are we dancing? She asked, genuinely curious.  
“I didn’t say that it had nothing to do with you, I said it had very little to do with you. There’s a difference.” He said switching them from a waltz to something a bit quicker. Kate struggled to adapt to the change in pace.  
“Ok, so what does it have to do with me?”  
“Nothing.” He said spinning her so that her back was to his as they danced.  
“But you just said…”  
“Everything Perhaps. I don’t quite know yet. We’ll see how the game plays out.” He spun her back around to face him again.  
“I’m getting tired of this game of yours. What do you want?” She was also getting tired of trying to dance, she had never really had a reason to learn ballroom dancing and this was getting a bit bizarre.   
"The question is, 'what do you want?' What do you want, more than anything in the world? Ah ah." He said placing a finger against her lips to stop the sarcastic comment she was about to make. "You're not getting out of the game that easily. What do you really want, and remember, be careful what you wish for."  
And with that, he was gone, leaving Kate standing alone in the empty station.  
  


“You know, you are the only person I know that can sleep sitting up.” Kate opened her eyes and quickly shut them against the glaring light.   
“Ug, bright.” She groaned.   
“Well, yeah, the sun tends to be rather bright this time of the morning. Why were you sleeping on the roof?” Alice's chipper voice caused Kate to open her eyes fully and look around.   
"Woah, deja vus."  
"Huh?" Alice asked, looking perplexed.  
"Nothing, I just had a really weird dream." Kate said, shaking her head and standing up.  
"Well, you had better hurry up, you're going to be late." Alice sighed, abandoning the watering can she had been intending to use on the small rooftop garden in favor of following her roommate back down to their apartment.  
"Yeah, I know, I know." Kate yelled over her shoulder and started downstairs. Once again, she raced through her morning routine, barely making the train before the doors shut. This time however there was no strange businessman, only a couple of college-bound students like herself, and an old woman.   
  
The day dragged on as usual and by the time she headed off campus to go to her first job, Kate had quite forgotten about her dream. She made her way to the small diner where she worked as a waitress. The cook shouted a greeting to her as she walked in the door and headed to the back to change into her uniform and grab a bite to eat. She spent the next couple of hours taking orders and dodging food thrown by children. After her shift, she changed back into her street clothes, said goodnight to the cook, and headed to the gym where she knew she could get a quick shower before heading to her second job at the club. After a few hours at the diner, she needed one, and the gym was much closer than returning to the apartment. Occasionally she actually got to use the gym, specifically their pool, but lately, she had been too busy. She never seemed to have any time lately. After a quick shower and changing into ‘work’ attire for the evening, she headed to the goth club where she spent her late nights bartending. In any other city, in any other time she may have looked out of place: the blue-haired punk girl in a black fishnet top, leather skirt, and knee-high boots, but this was her city. It was as far away from her suburban upbringing as she could get and despite the stress and sleep deprivation, she liked things this way. Her dream from the morning had been almost entirely forgotten, fading into the recesses of memory where all dreams go to dwell in the daylight hours. At least until her shift ended and she took the train back to the apartment with one of her friends from the club. Clarice was a year or so older than she was, taller even without the heels and had long dark hair. She lived on the first floor of their building. The two had met one morning while getting the mail and it had been Clarice that had gotten her the job at the club when Kate had lamented the cost of books for her classes. Now Kate found herself trying to recall and recount the happenings of the dream to her friend during their walk to the building.   
“Well, was he at least cute?” Clarice asked of the man from Kate’s dream.  
“Not really. He was kind of old, and pompous. Although he was a great dancer.” Kate said, thinking about the dream. “I didn’t step on his feet once.”  
“Huh. I would have dreamed of Brad Pitt or someone.” Her friend said with a giggle.  
“I don’t think that you can choose who you’re going to dream of Clair.”   
“Well, can’t blame a girl for trying anyway. So, what do you think it meant?” The dark-haired woman asked, opening the front door.  
“Did it have to mean anything? It was probably just a product of me falling asleep on the roof.” Kate said, stopping to lean on the wall beside her friend’s door.  
“Yeah, probably. You really shouldn’t keep going up there…but I think your unconscious is trying to tell you something.” Clarice paused in her doorway so that they could finish talking.  
“Yeah, like I’m overworking myself and need a vacation.” Kate said sarcastically, then added, “And that maybe I’m a little homesick.”  
“Maybe. Is that what you want? Some time off to go home?” Her friend asked.   
“I don’t know. I’m not sure I know what I want. I do wish I had more time for a social life, work and school are killing me and I guess I miss the stars, you can’t really see them here. I wouldn’t mind someone cute to dance with either for that matter.” The girls said their goodbyes for the night, Clarice sighing over dreams of dancing with Brad Pitt. Kate climbed wearily up the three stories to her apartment, silently wishing for a world without walk-ups. She fitted her key in the lock as quietly as she could so as not to wake Alice and made her way through to her bedroom. She flopped onto the bed with a sigh, not bothering to unlace her boots and abruptly fell through the space her bed should have occupied. She let out a shout of surprise and landed with a thump onto the floor of a strange, brightly lit room.  
“Tut-tut, child, that is no way to make an entrance.” The dream guy was back, this time dressed in some sort of red and black robe. There were other people there as well, all in varying states of shock, alarm, and outrage. Or at least they were people shaped, strange-looking creatures. One, an older gentleman that appeared to be rather upset, shouted at the dream man standing beside her.  
“Q! What is the meaning of this?”  
“Merely returning a favor Mon Capitan.” The man said with a final mocking bow, then he was gone and Kate was still sitting on the floor in front of a room full of people. She tried pinching herself, and when that didn’t work, she promptly fainted.

  
Jean Luc called for someone from sickbay; as infuriating as Q could be, and as many questions as he had regarding the strange woman who had just appeared along with the being, said woman was obviously in distress. Riker, being the closest to the woman when she fainted, went to the girl’s side. Deanna joined her husband, checking on the girl as well.    



	5. Pirates of the Caribbean- last edited 2005 part 1

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started in this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty drinkin' man, the captain brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for a three-week tour. A three-week tour. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed. Because of the bumbling of the clueless crew, the Tuna would be lost. The Tuna would be lost. Now they’re all lost in time, three hundred years ago, with Melissa, the captain too, the pothead and his girl, the other guy, the landlord and Samantha, here in the Caribbean zone.  
Now this is the tale of the castaways, they're here for a long, long time, they'll have to make the best of things, it's an uphill climb. Melissa and the captain too, will do their very best, to make the others comfortable, in the tropic island nest. No phone, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury, like Robinson Crusoe, as primitive as can be. So join us here each week my friends, you're sure to get a smile, from seven stranded castaways, here in the Caribbean zone.

“My name is Sam and I am a prisoner. Close as I can figure it the year is 1600-something AD and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this... I had a real life, once…a job…okay, a crappy job and I hated it, but still, it was a living…I had a boyfriend...ok, I’ll stop paraphrasing Army of Darkness, I’m not really being dragged to my death… yet. I’m not even really in horrible trouble, I have a plan. Really I’m more bored than anything else, hence the drama, Mel’s asleep, and I stopped paying attention to the taunts of the prisoners in the next cell hours ago. Personally I’d have thought that they would have run out of catcalls by now, pirates, go figure. Anyway, right now I’m trying to keep myself awake, so I’m going to annoy you”  
“Sam, I’m not asleep, and who are you talking to?”   
“The imaginary hamster in my head, now quiet and stop interrupting.”  
“You really are insane, aren’t you?”  
“Mehbey…Now, can I go on?”  
“By all means, I never tire of hearing your twisted view of the world. Besides, I’d hate to deprive the hamster of his tale.”  
“Now, where was I? Oh yes, if you hadn’t noticed, this is not a movie, so it doesn’t start off with a cursed book, or a wormhole through time or anything that glamorous. So, how does a girl from twenty-first century New York end up in the seventeenth century Caribbean? Well, it all started when I had the brilliant idea of visiting my friend Melissa. I should have known better: Mel and I always manage to get into trouble when we’re together, which was probably one of the motivating factors for her parents moving across the country. But hey, since when has a mere two thousand miles stood in the way of true friendship?”   
“The fear of flying, driving, and transportation in general…well that’s another matter entirely.”  
“Mel, shut up. Having your best friend move across the country is rough enough, but only being able to correspond through letters and a monthly phone call is almost unbearable. So several threats of being drugged and kidnapped by Mel and her friends, a couple of failed attempts at catching a ride with my friends and family and one or two mad schemes involving duct tape, rope and lots of geese, I finally managed to con my aunt and uncle into taking me with them when they and their three kids drove down to Florida for a month. I will not go into detail on this trip because I’m still having nightmares about it. Let me put it this way: twenty-six hours in a van listening to the Spice girls, Barney and some c.d. where little kids sing religious songs. Need I say more?”  
“Please don’t.”  
“Anyway, there we were sitting in Lee’s living room. Lee is one of Mel’s friends; she lives with him along with a few other people in a one-bedroom apartment. Lee of course has the bedroom, his brother Steve-o sleeps on the couch with his girlfriend Jenny, mind you this is not a fold out couch, it does not turn into a bed, it is also on cinder blocks because it’s missing legs I was actually afraid to sit on it.”  
“It’s not all that bad.”  
“Mel, you sleep in a basket chair in the corner of the quote unquote 'dining room’, notice the little bunny ears quote finger movement things to emphasize my point, which is really just an extension of the living room; you share this with Phil, who sleeps on an air mattress. The only real pieces of furniture in the place are said couch and chair, the futon in Lee’s room and the wall unit. The tables consist of milk crates and pieces of plywood or those giant spools wire comes on.”  
“We have bean bag chairs.”  
“Those don’t count. Anyway, I think the only reason they got away with this was because Lee’s grandmother owned the building and was their landlord. I was going to be staying with them for the entire month while my relatives got to vacation at Disney. Apparently I was to sleep in the bathtub, or on the floor somewhere, since it was the only place left. Now, I have slept in some weird places, but I wasn’t exactly liking the prospects of spending a month battling the dog Teddy for floor space, or the cockroaches for the bathtub, I mean, come on, I didn’t go through twenty-six hours of hell to sleep in a bathtub, and not a very clean looking one at that. So, after several rounds of “’What do you wanna do?’ ‘I don’t know, what do you wanna do?’” I had had enough. I suggested that we go on a trip of some sort. That was when Steve uttered the now infamous words: “Hey, my friend Morgan owns a boat.”   
“You know, I think you’re starting to scare the guards and a few of the more sober pirates.”  
“Oh, right then. Would you guys like to hear the rest?”  
“I believe that one nodded.”  
“Good enough for me, how about you? You know what they say, ‘You can’t please all the people all the time, but you can please one person most of the time’ or something like that. Just for you, and the hamster of course, I’ll continue. It turned out that Morgan did indeed have a boat. It was a mid-sized wooden sailboat, in desperate need of a new coat of paint and a decent burial. He offered to take us out for a few weeks and show us some of the sights. The guys and Mel were excited, I still had my doubts about spending long periods of time on the ocean during hurricane season, but Steve assured me that it was perfectly safe, there were no hurricanes or even tropical depressions anywhere in the Atlantic, and Morgan was a professional, although what he was a professional at remained a mystery, Steve said that the boat was sure to have all sorts of hi tech equipment on board.”  
“And you believed him?”  
“Of course not. As it turned out the Merry Tuna, as the fading gold paint on the hull proclaimed to be the name of the boat, was not equipped with hi tech equipment, it was not even equipped with low tech equipment. It technically had a radio, not that Morgan ever used it, and I wondered whether it actually worked or was just there for decoration.”  
“Hey, Sam, someone has a question.”  
“No questions! None shall question my author-a-tie.”  
“I believe that’s your lot, please hold all questions until the end of the lecture.”  
“Thank you. It also lacked a motor. Most modern sailboats have small motors in case of emergency, apparently either the Merry Tuna didn’t count on having an emergency or it was determined to commit suicide and was hell-bent on taking everyone down with it seeing as it had a profound absence of lifeboats and the life preservers were being used as homes for the rats. I was suddenly starting to miss the bathtub. And our captain, Morgan…how much can you really trust the abilities of a man that shares his name with a brand of rum and a pirate? And there was the little matter of Morgan’s dubious background and friendship with Steve, somehow their reminiscing about the good old days when they both served time in the state pen on drug charges was not reassuring. But hey, you’re only young once right? And so, going against my better judgment of keeping my feet firmly planted on solid ground at all times, I went along with it. After all, it had kind of been my idea in the first place.”  
“Yes, but we probably could have done without you singing the theme of Gilligan’s island as we set sail.”   
“Anyway, it turned out to be a lot of fun, even if we had to work as crew, and spend a night running, or well, sailing from the authorities, and if you ignore the rather suspicious dealings with some of the rougher looking locals on a few islands, aside from that, yeah, it was a lot of fun, and although Morgan kept reminding me of Captain Ron, he was actually a pretty nice guy and a surprisingly competent captain. But after an incredible week at sea, and one not so great one, it was bound to happen. We ran into a storm. It wasn’t a hurricane or anything, and Morgan assured us that we were perfectly safe. Of course, I didn’t believe him. I’m paranoid by nature and let’s face it, he’s a nice guy and all, but I wasn’t about to trust him further than I could throw him.”  
“Please, you were below deck for most of it.”  
“Yeah, tending to you because you were miserable; you see, she found herself introduced rather rudely to a terrible bout of seasickness and spent most of the evening praying to the porcelain god.”  
“Even you were having trouble keeping your dinner down with all the waves that were being kicked up.”  
“Which is saying something, I am not one to throw up, I would rather feel miserable for hours than throw up and feel better immediately. I also don’t panic; I do not run around screaming or break down crying or anything like that in a dangerous situation. It’s one of the good points under all of my neuroses. No, I don’t panic; I plot. It’s a reaction to being paranoid, always be prepared for any eventuality. So when the good captain had told me that there was nothing to worry about, I did what every calm, rational girl would do: I worried. While I was trying to comfort my poor nauseous best friend, I was going over every possible outcome of the storm in my head. Now, deep down I knew that we would probably be fine, that the captain was right and nothing bad was going to happen, but I was sure to squash those thoughts since I’m also pretty superstitious and wasn’t about to jinx myself.”  
“Not that it helped.”  
“Stop that, you’re ruining the story, no foreshadowing. Besides, you weren’t awake for this part.”  
“What are you, the story police, I’m not allowed to add in comments as I see fit?”  
“Yes I am and no you’re not. And don’t go giving me that look; it has no effect on me. Now, since Mel interrupted, you can probably guess what happens next, but I’m telling it anyway. I went above deck to help out everyone else. Upon stepping on deck I was starting to think the captain had underestimated the weather; the rain was coming down in thick gray sheets driven by the wind and the waves were splashing onto the deck as the boat was tossed to and fro. I had to struggle to stand upright and not get thrown overboard as I made my way to where the guys were struggling with the sail. It had been lowered and tied, but had ripped loose in the wind and was now snapping and lashing about while they tried to grab it and tie it down again. The only things I really remember after that were the captain’s voice as he barked out orders over the storm, the frenzy of activity and the water as the waves and rain beat down on us. And then in a flash of lightning, I saw something that I thought I’d only ever see in a movie; a giant wave rose up against the sky. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t as big as the wave from “The Perfect Storm” you know, it wasn’t exactly a forty foot wall of water, but when you’re stuck on a floundering sailboat with no safety features in the middle of the ocean in a storm at night, things seem a lot bigger than they really are. Then again, I wasn’t really sticking around to measure it and find out. I ran as best as I could and dove through the hatchway below deck to our cabin.``  
“Well, at least you’re honest.”  
“Yes, I ran away like the little coward I am. There’s nothing wrong with that. At least I’m not trying to cover it up by saying I was trying to make it to you so I could warn or protect you or do something equally heroic, cause I wasn’t. I was just trying to find somewhere relatively safe to hide, knowing full well that there was nowhere safe and I was probably going to die and all I was really thinking about as I collided with the floor of the cabin was my subconscious screaming ‘I told you so!’ at me.”  
“You know, you’re pretty good at this whole story telling thing, I think you have everyone here hooked.”   
“Thank you, thank you. You like me, you really like me!”  
“Alright, enough of that. The bowing is a bit much, back to the story.”  
“There isn’t that much left. I awoke rather rudely to the sensation of falling into water. My first reaction was to let out a sigh of relief that I was in fact alive. This was rather stupid considering I was still underwater at the time. Many a splash and sputter later I had managed to clamor back onto the tree trunk I had up to that moment apparently been floating on. The first thing I noticed was that it was sunny, very much so, the second thing was that the boat was nowhere to be seen. I looked around and found that Mel was floating on what had probably at one time been part of the deck. Upon closer inspection, it turned out that I was not floating on a tree trunk, but on a large part of the mast. There were other bits and pieces floating around, but I ignored these and paddled over to Mel. I shook her a bit by the shoulder trying to stay upright on my mast at the same time.  
She mumbled something and swatted at me. Proving that at least she was alive. Figuring that she would forgive me later, I pressed down on the side of her raft closest to me causing her to roll into the water.   
“What the hell was that about anyway?”   
“You wouldn’t wake up.”  
“So you attempted to drown me? I think the storm did a fine job of that already, it didn’t need any help believe me.”  
“Can I continue?”  
“Only if you include the part where you say the ‘most obvious line ever’.”  
“What, when you asked me what happened and I said ‘I think we sank’?”  
“Yup, that’s it. Okay, I’m happy now, you can continue.”  
“We spent the morning collecting bits of the ship we could find floating nearby, not that there was much left. Considering neither of us had ever attempted to build a raft before, I think we did a rather good job. So, ok, the first three rafts fell apart, but the forth stayed together, even after we both climbed on it. It wasn’t the prettiest thing in the world, and it wasn’t very big, but it kept us out of the water.”  
“As long as we didn’t move too much.”  
“Hey, I didn’t hear you complaining.”  
“Oh, just tell your story.”  
“Actually I’d rather not remember that night. I don’t suppose we could skip over it?”  
“Yeah, I think we can, I don’t think that any of these guys will mind. Besides, I think most of them are ignoring us now.”  
“Trust me, you don’t want to hear about it, it was just us being scared and sad about losing our friends and being all alone and a bunch of angsty stuff I’d rather not get into right now. So, I’m not going to, instead, fast forward a few days to us practically dying of thirst and hunger and sun exposure.”   
“Oh, yeah, cause that’s so much better than us huddled together on a raft afraid we were going to get eaten by some sort of sea monster.”  
“Well, yeah, at least during the day you could see what was trying to eat you. Anyways, we were pretty much out of it by this point, you know, so I don’t really know what happened, but I woke up to some smelly guy in a bad wig trying to force water down my throat.”  
“He was the ship’s doctor, we had been picked up by a ship.”  
“Who’s telling this story you or me?”  
“Me.”  
“I don’t like that smile, and I know just what you can do with it.”  
“I’m ignoring you, and I think our audience is too.”  
“Excellent, I love it when a plan comes together.”  
“What?”  
“Never you mind. As I was saying, the smelly guy turned out to be Watson, the ship’s doctor.”  
“Actually, I had been the one saying that.”  
“No you weren’t. I was using mind control to make you say what I was thinking. Don’t believe me, watch, I’ll do it again.”  
“…”  
“See, through my amazing powers of psy-, phys-, psychology, physicality, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for?”  
“Psychosis?”   
“Oh shut up. Where was I?”  
“Putting the other inmates to sleep by telling of our time on the Lady May.”  
“Oh yeah. After we had recovered a bit, we were taken to have dinner with the captain.”  
“Yeah, dinner, it was more like the inquisition than a meal.”  
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!”  
“…”  
“Sorry, Monty Python.”  
“Riiiiiggghhhhtttt….”  
“Basically the captain had jumped to conclusions, and made some assumptions about us being pirates.”  
“I have no idea how he could have done that.”  
“Your sarcasm is lost on me.”  
“Well I mean really, the amount of tattoos you have how could he think anything else? It’s not like many women here have tattoos, or pierced ears, let alone ten holes in each ear.”  
“And I’m sure they were impressed with your belly button ring and pierced eyebrow. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s just a little creepy that they were checking us out when we were unconscious.”  
“For once, you’re right. Please excuse me while I shudder in disgust.”  
“Yeah, so, not letting us defend ourselves, or anything like that, they locked us in the brig until we got here, where we were carted off to this very cell and sentenced to death by hanging in the morning.”  
“Gee, thanks for reminding me. I had almost forgotten about our impending doom.”  
“No worries, I have a plan.”  
“What, boring our captors and cellmates to death so we can escape?”  
“Something like that. Really the tale was just a way to kill time till our guard fell asleep, which, if you would note, happened a couple of minutes ago.”  
“So, now what?”  
“Now, take off your shirt.”  
“Um, Sam, I love you like a sister and all, but I’m not going to strip for you in front of a bunch of pirates, ok? That just goes way beyond creepy.”  
“Dude, I meant your over shirt, you have a tank top under it.”  
“Oh yeah.”  
“And you call me slow? Get me that bucket of water too will you?”  
“What are you going to do?”  
“I’m getting us out of here, I saw this in a movie once.”  
“Famous last words.”  
“Yeah, yeah. Look, what I left out of the story was that when we first got tossed in here I found out one of the bars of the window had been chipped loose and can be removed, the one next to it is chipped away at the bottom, so I’m going to wrap your shirt around that and one of the other remaining bars, and twist them up with the broken bar. If it works like in the movie then the wet shirt should be strong enough to bend the remaining bars so we can squeeze out.”  
“You do realize that that will never work, don’t you?”  
“Sure it will work, trust me. When have I ever let you down? Now help me twist.”  
“You know, this is harder than I thought it would be.”  
“Just keep twisting.”

With a final creak the bar not only bent but also broke off at the top sill of the window.  
“I can’t believe that worked.” Mel said with more than a little awe as she peeked out the window at the night beyond.  
“Of course it worked. It’s from a Jackie Chan Movie.” Sam said with a shrug and shushed the pirates in the next cell that had started whispering by giving them the bar she had used and sliding the bucket of water their way. Meanwhile Mel tried to coerce her shirt into a wearable shape.  
“You’re going out first.” She said flatly glaring at the wet, wrinkled mass of fabric that had once been shirt shaped.  
“Why me?”  
“Two reasons, one, I have no idea how far of a drop there is on the other side of the wall, and two, even if I managed to make it to the ground without breaking my neck, I don’t want your fat ass landing on me.” She said tying what she hopped were the sleeves of her shirt around her waist.   
“My butt isn’t fat.” Sam protested, but turned and started out the window anyway. It took awhile for the uncoordinated girl to wriggle through the almost too small gap in the bars but she finally managed to fall backwards out the window and land with a ‘umf’ and a curse on the rocks a few feet below.  
“You ok?” Mel asked as she started out the window herself, only she was a little more coordinated so she slid out feet first over the sill.  
“Yeah, nothing hurt but my pride and my head.”  
“Oh, then no damage at all, good.”  
“Ow, watch where you’re stepping.” Sam grumbled as Mel used her head to steady herself before dropping to the ground.  
“So now what oh genius one?” She asked sarcastically, brushing off her rump.  
“Now, we get the hell out of this place and away from all people out to kill us.”  
“Sounds like a plan to me.” Mel mumbled as they picked their way down the rocky slope away from the fort and down towards the water. They stopped and hid themselves under a bridge as some soldiers ran by, gathered some reinforcements from the docks and took off in pursuit of one of their escaped cellmates. This caused Mel to think of something.  
“Hey, wait a minute, why’d you help those guys escape anyway? They were real pirates, you know the bad pillaging type?”  
“One word: Distraction.” Sam said with a lopsided smile.  
“I’ve got to hand it to you, you do come up with some awesome plans.”  
“Well, I have to earn that title of best little con artist on the east coast somehow, don’t I?” She said and started walking towards the dock where a boat was moored. They stopped behind a pier to hide from the two soldiers guarding the boat.  
“Ok Sam, what’s the plan?”  
“What plan, I’m making this up as I go along. Look, how long do you think it would take to get that boat ready to sail?”  
“Why me?”  
“Because A. I’m afraid of heights, B. I never really paid attention when Morgan taught us how to sail, and C. well, I don’t know why C. but I’m sure there’s another reason floating around there somewhere.”  
“Wait, we’re stealing a boat? That boat? A British royal navy boat? Why are we stealing a boat?” Mel said, her whisper taking on a slightly panicked tone.   
“Why not?”   
“Fair enough.” Mel shrugged and watched as Sam sidled up to the two soldiers, then slipped aboard the boat to get things ready.

“Halt. This dock is off limits to civilians.” The slimmer of the two guards said, readying his bayonet as Sam approached.  
“Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m a bit lost, I don’t suppose two handsome men such as yourselves could help me, could you?” She said sweetly and struck her most innocent looking pose and for once she was incredibly glad that she was wearing a dress. Not waiting for them to respond, she brought a hand to her cheek in mock distress. “No, no, what am I thinking, you’re soldiers, you probably have far more important things to do than to help little old me. I don’t wish to be any bother, I’ll go find someone else to ask.”  
“You’re no bother, miss, it’s only that we have to guard this dock from civilians is all.” The soldier replied, lowering his rifle.  
“Yes, there are unsavory characters about, you shouldn’t go wanderin’ unescorted like.” The stouter one said stepping forwards a bit to come beside his comrade.   
“Oh, that’s kind of you, but if civilians aren’t allowed on the dock, I shouldn’t linger, I wouldn’t want to get two fine outstanding gentlemen such as yourself in trouble.” She said, cocking her head to the side.  
“I’m sure our superiors would understand if we were to let you stay here until someone happened along to help you find your way.” The slimmer one said with a smile.   
“Where is it you were trying to find miss-“  
“Robins. Samantha Robins. I didn’t catch yours, Mister-“  
“Ah, Mullroy, miss, and this is Murtogg.” The stouter soldier introduced himself and his partner.  
“A pleasure to meet you both. I am staying at an inn, oh, um, what was the name again?”   
“The Sailor’s Lass?” Murtogg suggested helpfully.  
“Yes, that was it. But I’m afraid that I was visiting with a good friend of mine, and it got dark, and I can’t seem to find my way back.” Sam was very glad that Mel was working on the boat, because if she could see her playing the part of the damsel in distress, she’d never live it down. She gazed past Mullroy as he gave her directions on how to find her way back to the Sailor’s Lass to watch Mel finish the preparations on the boat. She had no idea why they were stealing it, other than the fact that it was there and she didn’t want to get caught.   
“Pssst.” Mel tried to signal her that the boat was ready to go. Now how the heck was she going to get on it? Unfortunately, Murtogg had also heard her and turned to investigate. Mullroy gestured for her to stay put and grabbed his rifle.   
“Shit.” Sam cursed under her breath she had to think of something, the soldiers had seen that the boat was ready to sail; they’d probably raise an alarm, if they didn’t just shoot her friend. Glancing around, she saw an ore sitting in a small rowboat. It would have to do. She grabbed it, stalked onto the boat behind Mullroy and cracked it on the back of his head. Murtogg turned, saw what had happened, took aim at Sam and fell over as Mel broke another ore over his head.   
“Never thought I’d be thankful for all those gym classes spent playing baseball.” Mel said with a smirk. Sam just shook her head.  
“Yeah, ok, so, how do we get moving?” Sam asked, walking towards the anchor with Mel.  
“Uh, raise the anchor and hope for wind?”   
“Then let’s get to it, I think we’ve been found out.” Sam nodded towards town where shouting had arisen.   
“Come on wind.” Mel pleaded. The shouts were getting closer. Sam started flapping her arms at the sails and blowing at them.   
“Somehow I don’t think that’s going to work Sam. What are we going to do?”  
“Um, if all else fails, we swim for it.” She said running up to the wheel. “Come on!”  
“Should I get out and push?”   
“Ha ha. I don’t need sarcasm, I need SHIT!” The word Sam had meant to say was ‘wind’, but two things happened that had made her curse, the first being the arrival of several soldiers at the docks who then began shooting at them, the second being the wind finally caught in the sails sending the ship lurching forwards.   
“They’re shooting at us!” Mel said literally hitting the deck.  
“I can see that!” Sam said, also hitting the deck, this time because they had just sideswiped another boat.  
“Who’s driving this thing?”  
“How do you drive a boat? No one said anything about driving the damn thing!”  
“You twit! This was your idea!”  
“Right, you’re calling me a twit, I’m not the one following a girl who speaks to invisible hamsters!”  
Mel didn’t even bother responding; instead she made a run for the wheel, jumping over Sam who was cowering near the stairs leading up to it. In their wayward course they had drifted out of range of the soldier’s guns, but they were headed straight for the fort. The soldiers in the fort had realized what was happening and had started firing the cannons. Sam being the coward she was, was lying on the deck in fetal position, while Mel crouched down as far as she could while still steering. Ok, so great captains they weren’t, but they still managed to somehow get away from the harbor without getting killed or sunk. Sam let out a whoop of joy when she saw the fort disappearing into the distance.  
“Hey, don’t start celebrating yet, that big ship of theirs is going to come after us.” Mel warned.  
“Yeah, but it’ll take ‘em a few minutes at least.” Sam said, nudging Mullroy with her toe.   
“What are we going to do with them?” Mel asked, referring to the two unconscious soldiers on deck.  
“I’ll tie them to the mast. Just keep steering us along the coast, but be careful of the rocks.” Sam said, looking around for some spare rope.  
“Yeah, ok, it’s kind of dark, how am I supposed to see the rocks?”  
“Listen for the breakers.”  
“And just where are we going?”  
“I don’t know, we’ll find a harbor somewhere and hide out. When the sun rises we can sail off, go where we want.”  
“What about food?”  
“I’ll check the galley.”  
“Is there anything you can’t think you’re way out of?”  
“Yeah, lot’s of things, but then I just start making stuff up.” Sam said with a smile as she finished tying the men to the mast and headed below to check on their supplies. She returned a few minutes later.  
“Well, how’s the food?” Mel asked, noting her glum expression.  
“Depends, you like limes, because they look like limes, pickles and pickled eggs.”  
“That’s it?”  
“That’s it.”  
“Right, how do you make up your way out of this?”  
“We see what the morning brings.” Sam said with a shrug.


	6. Pirates of the Caribbean- last edited 2005 part 2

Sam was awoken by the groans of Mullroy. She hadn’t even realized that she had drifted off. She stood and stretched. It was midday, or close to it. Looking around, she noticed that the shoreline was nowhere in sight. Glancing up at Mel she found the explanation for their trip off course. Mel was leaning heavily against the wheel head resting on her crossed arms, snoring quite loudly.  
“Aw Mel.” She sighed in exasperation. Not that she could really talk, after all she had fallen asleep too, but still, she wasn’t the one driving, or sailing rather.   
“What hit me?” Mullroy groaned.  
“Um, that would be me.” Sam said, leaving Mel to sleep for a while. After all, they were in the middle of the ocean, what harm could it do to let her sleep; it wasn’t like they were going to hit anything.   
“Here, why am I tied up and where’s Murtogg?”  
“You’re tied up because I don’t want to be shot, and he’s tied to the other side of the mast, how’s your head?”   
“It hurts.”  
“Sorry about that. I hadn’t actually meant to hurt you. I just really didn’t want to hang.”  
“You’re a pirate then?” Murtogg had apparently awoken.  
“No, we aren’t. That’s the point. We aren’t pirates and yet you’re superiors wanted us to hang just because we’re different.”  
“So you aren’t a pirate? Why are we tied up then?” Murtogg again.  
“Well, we kind of knocked you unconscious, and stole your ship…ok, so maybe we are pirates now, but we weren’t then, see so it’s that commodore of yours that drove us to it. If someone had given us the chance to explain then we would never have had to turn to piracy…makes you wonder how many others might have been spared the same fate. ” Sam said, crossing her arms and pouting.   
“No it doesn't, no one’s escaped before, ‘cept that Sparrow fellow, but he’s different.” Murtogg said, still a bit foggy.  
“Well, if you’re a pirate then I suppose we’ll have to take you back to the fort.” Mullroy said, forgetting that he was tied to the mast and attempting to stand.   
“I don’t see that happening as you’re now my prisoners.” Sam said triumphantly.  
“That and we appear to be lost at sea with no supplies and are all going to die out here.” Mel said glumly from the helm.  
“Oh, you’re awake, and amazingly observant for so early in the morning.” Sam replied.  
“What do you mean by that, ‘lost at sea’, you mean to say you don’t know where we are?” Murtogg asked, finally seeming to wake up a bit.  
“Um, well, we are a bit new to this whole pirating thing you see and well…” Sam trailed off not quite knowing what to say, luckily Mel stepped in.   
“You wouldn’t happen to know how to navigate would you?” The soldiers both shook their heads, wincing with the pain it caused them.  
“Well, this is a wonderful predicament you got us into, how are you going to get us out of this, and if you say that we’ll see what the night brings I’m going to smack you.” Mel said abandoning the helm and coming to join them on the deck.  
“Hey, at least we gave the navy the slip.” This earned Sam several glares. “Ok, ok. Look, for the time being we’re all in this together, if we want to live through this, we’re going to have to work together and not try to kill each other. Ok? Now, this is a Naval Ship, so there have to be charts and such around somewhere. We’ll wait until evening and when the sun sets in the west we’ll figure out which direction we’re going and which way we have to go to hit land, then hope we keep going in the right direction till we hit it. Until then, I would prefer not leaving you two to die from exposure while tied to the mast, so I am willing to untie you if you are willing to forget our differences and transgressions until we reach land, at which time you can go back to being soldiers and we’ll run away.” Sam nodded to herself, satisfied with her plan.  
“And what makes you think we’ll agree to help you?” Mullroy apparently had other ideas.   
“Well, if you don’t, we can leave you tied to this mast, or make you walk the plank.” Mel said trying her best to look intimidating when she was trying desperately not to laugh at having just said the most clichéd pirate phrase ever.  
“But I can’t swim.” Murtogg whimpered.  
“Besides, we’re going to need everyone’s help once we do reach land, I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a clue on how to make this thing stop moving.” Sam said, glancing around the boat at everyone. “So, do we have a deal then? We don’t kill you, and you help us get to land where we go our separate ways?”  
“You mean be part of a pirate crew and help to steal a naval ship? The Commodore will hang us when we get back to Port Royal.” Mullroy objected.  
“Nonsense, the boat’s already been stolen, you’ll be helping to recover it and make sure that it’s returned unharmed. And you’re not part of a pirate crew as you are our prisoners that we are forcing you to help us under threat of death.” Sam reassured her less than enthusiastic captives.  
“What do you mean by helping to return her safely, you mean you’ll turn yourself in all willingly and give the ship back?” Murtogg asked.  
“No I am not turning myself or my friend in, as the whole reason for this escape is because I don’t want to hang. But I don’t really need a boat, nor do I want to be hunted down because of it so yes, you can have the boat back when we reach land. I’m sure the commodore will overlook your forced labor during captivity when he sees that you’ve returned the boat to him safe and sound.”  
“You can’t argue with that logic, men, what do you say?” Mel asked, clapping her friend on the shoulder.  
“I say, what choice do we have?” Mullroy relented.  
“So deal?” Mel asked, and was answered by identical nods from their captives.  
“Good.” Sam exclaimed and with a clap of her hands she began untying the soldiers while Mel grabbed their guns and threw them over bored.  
“Now what’d you do that for?” Sam asked and was quickly echoed by Mullroy and Murtogg.  
“Well, you don’t want them shooting us do you?”  
“Oh, good thinking.” Sam said, as Mullroy pouted. “Now, why don’t we go looking for those maps?”

Some time later, they weren’t really sure how long since no one could tell time by the sun, the makeshift crew sat reclining on the deck of the M.S. (my ship) Imposing Name as Sam had dubbed their vessel, after deciding that she didn’t like the name HMS Integrity, eating limes and ignoring the mumbles of the two rather put-off soldiers. They didn’t approve of the name change at all and had told her so all day. They had found the maps Sam had expected to find, they had been in the captain’s quarters, along with some rather choice wine that had served to quell their thirst for a short time, a compass and a spy glass, both of which had been pocketed by Sam, and an unloaded pistol, which also went to Sam, but only after a mean match of rock, paper, scissors between her and Mel. They decided not to let M&M, as they had taken to calling Murtogg and Mullroy, know that it was unloaded just in case they decided to start acting like heroes. Upon inspection of the ship, Mel found several rifles, (but no shots), a sword which she claimed as hers in retaliation for Sam getting the pistol, a barrel of gunpowder down with the canons, (but no cannon balls), a rudimentary med-kit and a pack of playing cards. They also uncovered some dress uniforms in the captain’s quarters that looked like they may fit the girls. Sam changed into one, welcoming the change from a dress to pants and a shirt as it was rather inconvenient to climb rigging in a dress and the indignant glares from M&M at having their superior’s uniform worn by a woman pirate. Mel was content to stay in her cut-off shorts and tank top, although she was still mourning the loss of her over shirt, much to Sam’s chagrin. For now they had nothing better to do than wait. With the help of the compass, they didn’t have to wait for the sunset to find out what direction they were going, but they still didn’t know where they were in the ocean. So, they headed north with the idea that they would eventually hit America, if nothing else and hoped for the best. They had taught M&M to play hearts while finishing off the wine, but soon after that Sam had gotten bored and gone to play with her new spyglass while Mel and the M’s played poker and ate their limes. Scanning the horizon, Sam caught sight of something.  
“Yo, guys, it may be the wine, but I think I see something.” She said moving down the deck to where they were sitting.  
“Is it land?” Mullroy asked.  
“No, I think it’s a ship.” She replied while trying unsuccessfully to swat Mel’s hands away from her spyglass.   
“Is it a pirate ship?” Murtogg asked, as Mullroy stood to join them at the rail.  
“No, it’s got a British flag, and it’s big.” Mel said looking through the glass.  
“Then it’s not a hallucination then.” Sam said, trying to grab her spyglass from Mel who was passing it to Mullroy.  
“No, it looks like a merchant ship, low in the water too. Perhaps they’ll have supplies.” He said, handing the spyglass to Sam and looking at her expectantly.  
“What?” She asked.  
“Well, you are the captain, so what are our orders?” He asked with a sigh. She glanced up at the sails then smiled.  
“I guess we should go say hi. But let’s at least look like we’re a naval ship that can do some damage just in case they aren’t friendly. Murtogg, go down below and run out the cannons.” He started towards the hatch then stopped to say:  
“But we haven’t any cannon balls.”   
“I know that, you know that, but they don’t know that. Now get going and bring some of those riffles up with you. Mullroy, can you steer us towards them without crashing into them?” When he nodded his confirmation she instructed him to go to the wheel and do so. “And Mel, you’re with me, let’s go get dressed.”  
“Dressed?” She echoed, glancing at Mullroy who shrugged. Then she followed Sam to the Captains quarters. Once inside Sam thrust a pair of pants and a shirt much like her own into her hands.   
“Here, put this on, and try to look like a boy.” She said as she walked to what passed as the wardrobe, took out the captain’s coat and slid it on.  
“What are we doing? I assume you have a plan.” Mel said, struggling with the unfamiliar fastening on the pants.  
“Yes I do, we didn’t get away from the fort unscathed, our sails are tattered; we look like we’ve been in a fight. So, let’s let that other ship think we have been and have come away a bit worse for wear. Maybe we can sweet talk them into giving us some much needed supplies and directions. And by “we” of course I mean me, the captain.” She said plopping a powdered wig onto her head. She didn’t want to think about what might be living in said wig and instead went about looking for the hat she had seen earlier.  
“So how do we explain that there are only four crew members?” Mel asked as Sam grabbed the hat and walked out on deck with Mel following at her heels.   
“They’re down below, or injured, or dead, I don’t know, I’ll figure it out as I go along. Just play along, and that goes for you two too.” She said to M&M who were waiting by the wheel.  
“They’ve raised the white flag captain.” Murtogg said.  
“Excellent. Now, here’s the deal: Murtogg, you stand guard with that rifle till I give you an order, Mullroy, you’re my personal guard, you follow me and do what I say, just play along with my story and we might live through this. Mel, take the wheel. And either of you boys think of trying something funny like asking for help and I’ll make sure the commodore hangs you as well, is that understood?”  
“Yes captain.”  
“Yes mum.”  
“Good.” She said and answered the “Ahoy” that had been shouted to them.

Mel somehow figured out how to bring the M.S. Imposing Name up alongside the merchant ship, the Mary Bridget without colliding with it and its crew laid a plank between the ships so they could cross to speak with the captain. Sailors scurried along the deck of the Mary Bridget, occasionally saluting the naval vessel. The Captain was a plump man in a wig and dressed in finery that clearly said ‘I am rich’.   
"Why have you run out your guns captain, surely we are no threat?" He called to Sam as she crossed the gap between the ships.  
"My apologies Captain, you see we had a run in with a pirate ship masquerading as a merchant vessel yesterday and you must forgive us for being on our guard."  
"Pirates, in these waters, but you vanquished them did you not?"  
"No, I'm afraid that with our sails left in tatters we were unable to catch them, we are pursuing them now, have you seen them?"  
"Oh dear, no, no we have not. We have no arms aboard, what if they attack?"  
"I doubt that they will be attacking for some time, they took heavy casualties in the battle. If you do not mind my prying, where is it you are sailing to?"  
"We sail to Port Royal Captain."  
"Ah, very well, they were last sighted heading north, although I would still advise caution.”  
"Thank you. I will be sure to, but begging your pardon captain, I had been led to believe that the commodore had the pirate situation under control."  
"As much as one can get their lot under control, he has vowed that he will not rest until all pirates have been exterminated like the vermin they are, but there is only so much one man can do."  
"Yes, I see, forgive me; I should have held my tongue."  
"Nonsense, but if I may be so bold, during our battle we lost many of our supplies, including most of our fresh water, if you could spare enough for what few men I have left under my command until we make it to a port where we can restock, I'm sure the commodore will repay you well for your generosity."  
"Of course, we have just restocked and it is a mere two days to Port Royal even with minimal wind. I would be glad to help. Have you lost that many men?"  
"Yes, I'm afraid that we took heavy damages to both ship and crew."  
"Well, that would explain why there are so few crewmen on deck."  
"Yes, what few could be spared are below tending to our wounded."  
"I have a ship's doctor-"  
"No, no, the men are being well looked after, most of what remains are minor. Although, if you had any fabric to be used as bandages..."  
"Of course I have a hold full of fabric, I shall have my men bring over some with the water."  
"I thank you Captain..."  
"Ingram."  
Ah, thank you Captain Ingram, my men also thank you, as does the Royal Navy." Sam watched as the Captain had men carry barrels of water over to the deck of the MS Imposing Name, and accompanied him into the hold, with her guard of course, to inspect the fabric. The hold was indeed filled with fabric, silks to be exact, and spices, and ornate objects carved of ivory, and other little 'treasures' from the Far East. While the Captain picked out some white silk for "bandages" ("I'm afraid all that I have is silk" "That will do just fine Captain Ingram.") Sam pocketed a few trinkets and slipped a lovely looking dress in the pile with the silk. They allowed the Captain to escort them out of the hold and across to their ship, thanking him for the extra bottle of whiskey he had provided for the men's wounds and the barrel of apples he had also been gracious enough to provide them with for their journey, and set sail again for the port the Mary Bridget had just sailed from, Port Au Prince.

"Well, that turned out nicely. Better than I planned actually, we got food and water and a few things to barter for passage on a ship with."  
"And you've added impersonating an officer of the British Royal Navy to your list of offences." Mullroy ground out.  
"Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Besides, it's not like it's you're neck."  
"Oh yes it is, we're accessories."  
"Hun, you're my prisoners. Besides, you didn't do anything; I talked him into giving us water and bandages, that's all. And he gave it to us, we didn't steal it."  
"Yes, but he gave them under false pretenses."  
"Would you rather die of thirst?"  
"Well..."  
"Exactly. As for the rest of the stuff, well, you didn't see me take it, besides what could you do against us mean old pirate girls."  
"We have rifles."  
"They aren't loaded." She said, peering into the barrel of apples.  
"They have bayonets."  
"You would have been attacked by his crew for attacking your superior officer, besides, we would have been gone by the time you got things straightened out, and you would have lost the boat." Sam countered, inspecting the contents of the barrel and choosing a nice looking apple.  
"We could have told them."  
“I would have said that you were delusional because of stress."  
"Do you have an excuse for everything?"  
"Yes. So stop arguing and eat up." She said and tossed the apple to him.  
After a dinner of apples and water, they decided that they would take shifts until they reached Port Au Prince. Mullroy and Mel took the first shift while Murtogg and Sam slept on the deck.   
"Do you always do what she says?" Mullroy asked Mel once the others appeared asleep.  
"Not always, but usually, as on the times I don't follow her advice I usually end up regretting it."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, Sam can be a real bitch at times, she’s bossy, always has to be in charge and she can be a little crazy, but she knows what she's doing. She's really good at thinking on her feet, can lie and act better than anyone I know and she’s a great judge of people. She can tell what a person wants to hear and go with it. She gets into more trouble than anyone I know, but she always gets out of it. The few times I haven't listened to her, I've gotten into things that I don't know how to get out of. So yes, I follow her, she'll get us out of this because she always does. She's always thinking and planning, so why shouldn't I trust her, she's never let me down."  
"Are you sure you weren't pirates before this?"  
"Yes, we had never even been on a boat until a month ago, but I think Sam was always cut out for the pirate life. I think deep down she's excited."  
"But Pirates are despicable, you seem like you're nice girls, besides stealing a few things and whacking us on the head, from what I've seen of pirates, well, you've been kind to us, I don't think pirates will be kind to you."  
"Yeah, I've been thinking about that too. Now that we aren't in direct danger, I can think about everything that's happened and I'm not sure what she's planning next. I'm worried, but I have to trust her. We’ve been friends for years, and she's gotten us out of some tight scrapes, but I think she may be in over her head this time."  
"What will you do when we reach land?"  
"I don't know. Survive I guess. Maybe we'll learn a trade, Sam knows a bit of blacksmithing, and farming, we’re both decent cooks, and I can sew reasonably well, I'm sure we'll find something."  
They lapsed into silence for quite some time before Mullroy began telling her about his family back home, and their adventure with the black pearl a year or so ago.   
“And the commodore let him go, just like that?” Mel asked incredulously.  
“Well, he did only give him a day’s head start.”  
“And what happened to Turner and Miss Swan?”  
“Well, it’s just the Turners now; they were married a few weeks after, lovely ceremony. Have a nice little house not far from my own; the missus says Mrs. Turner’s expecting, and William has his own shop.”  
“So, did you ever find Captain Sparrow?”  
“No, though just between you and me, I don’t think the commodore gave a proper search at all. We headed back to port after only a month, and haven’t heard anything about the Pearl; folks say Sparrow must have sailed to the East.”  
“Huh. I wonder if he’ll give up that easily looking for us.”  
“I doubt it. You still have his ship, and we only just received this one, it took ever so long to convince England to send another to replace the Interceptor, it takes several months for correspondence and there was an investigation.”  
“What did you get us into Sam?”

Mel woke Sam and Murtogg sometime around two, or at least she assumed that it must have been two and promptly passed out. Mullroy had fallen asleep sitting on the stairs near the wheel some time ago, and she could barely keep her eyes open any longer. Murtogg took the wheel and Sam decided to go below to the galley and fix some form of breakfast. After much fussing trying to figure out how to work the stove, she finally figured it out and busied herself making fried eggs, baked apples and water with Lime juice. By the time she had prepared the food, put out the stove and secured it shut, ensuring that the galley wouldn’t be set on fire, and brought the tray of food on deck it was almost dawn so she woke the slumbering members of the crew and they all sat down to eat breakfast. At first light they sighted land, or rather Sam did as Mel had drifted back off to sleep and M&M were playing cards. Mullroy took over the wheel when they neared the land, citing the fact that he had done a good job the day before when mooring the two ships together. They followed the coast of Haiti, passing small fishing villages, until late in the day; they came at last to Port Au Prince. Luckily Sam was keeping watch through her spyglass as there was company waiting in the form of an all too familiar ship at the docks.   
The Dauntless was waiting there for them, and apparently their lookout was as attentive as Sam because they heard the alarm being raised as Mullroy raced to make an about-face. They followed the coast north, and although the Dauntless would take a little while to get moving and was no match in speed for the HMS Integrity normally, her tattered sails did lessen their retreat a bit. It was evident by the fact that the Dauntless was slowly gaining on them and could now be seen on the horizon behind them that it would eventually catch them, and neither Sam nor Mel wanted to be on board when that happened. After reading over the map for a bit, Sam decided that a last ditch effort was in order. She had Mullroy steer in closer to the land while Murtogg readied a long boat and she and Mel gathered up a few supplies. They filled the empty wine bottle with water and took a few apples, finding a sailor’s duffel to put them in, along with her bartering goods, the silk and the dress, then loaded it into the long boat. They said their goodbyes and thanks to M&M then Murtogg lowered the boat into the water and the girls started rowing while M&M took the Imposing Name out to sea and turned around heading back to the Dauntless. Mel and Sam paddled towards the shore, hoping that M&M would cause enough distraction that they’d be able to make it to the shore and into the woods before the commodore had sailors combing the woods for them.  
"Well, this is wonderful. We're in the water again Sam." Mel complained while rowing. It was hot and difficult work just keeping the boat straight, let alone making any headway.  
"I know, just keep paddling." Sam gritted out.

They managed to paddle into a rocky harbor; Mel had suggested that they choose that, as the rocks may prove a difficulty to the Dauntless’ crew. Of course it also proved difficult to the girls, who almost capsized twice and were almost smashed on the rocks more than once. After much struggle, they did wrestle the boat onto shore and fled up the steep slope with their scant possessions and disappeared into the brush. Mel played trail-blazer using her sword to cut through vines, while Sam tried to keep their baring straight with the compass. They were headed to a town Murtogg had told them about, it was a pirate town, and while he didn’t like the idea of sending them there, it was better than handing the girls over to the commodore. She just hoped that they would be able to reach it. Mel soon tired of hacking at vegetation and they decided that it would be better if they didn’t leave such an easy to follow trail anyway. They broke through to a beach as night fell and followed it to the town. They passed by some deserted looking fishing shacks, and started to make their way towards a harbor filled with tall masts, figuring that the mass of lights on the hill above it must have been the town. Passing by a low fence, Mel grabbed Sam by her elbow, directing her attention to some clothes hanging on a line behind a house.  
“I’m grabbing some clothes, cover me.” She said and jumped the fence. Sam kept an eye out, but didn’t see anyone. Mel joined her shortly, and they took cover in some brush so they could change.  
“What are you doing?” Sam asked, taking the proffered piece of material.  
“We’re going to a pirate run town, right?” Mel said tugging on a pair of brown pants.  
“Yeah…”  
“Well, do you really want to walk into a town full of pirates while dressed as naval officers?”  
“Ah, good point. So, uh, why do I get the dress?” Sam said looking at the thing like it would bite.  
“Because it was there and I wasn’t wearing it.” She said flatly, shrugging on a graying vest that had obviously seen better days.  
“Fine, good enough for me.” Sam quickly changed out of the uniform shirt and pants and into the green dress. It was low cut and a bit ill fitting, but it was simple, and something that would blend in. Unfortunately there was nowhere to put her pistol, so she handed it off to Mel to shove into her makeshift sword belt. She left a carved jade elephant on the sill of the window for the clothing’s previous owners. She may have been labeled as a pirate, but that didn’t mean she was going to go around stealing from fishermen. 

They made their way into the town, Mel carrying the sack of silk and trinkets and Sam carefully picking her way along the street. Her navy boots had long ago been abandoned as they were too big for her and were not made for trekking through the woods, and while walking barefoot was not a problem through vines and sand, the cobblestone streets of the rowdy town were peppered with broken glass and other unsavory substances. Mel had no such trouble, as the boots actually fit her comfortably, which she had ribbed Sam about for a little while, before they had reached the town proper and had become too scared to joke around. The town was wild and unruly, there were people drinking everywhere, men brandishing pistols, whores vying for attention, and everywhere a stench of drunkenness and filth. They attempted to make their way towards the inn, the Faithful Bride, where they hoped they would be able to get a room for the night. They were both exhausted and Sam was in no mood to deal with the drunken men that thought she was looking for a customer. Mel finished speaking with the innkeeper just in time to rescue one unfortunate soul that had tried to grab Sam’s ass. She hauled the other girl up to their room before she could hurt him. She locked the door while Sam dragged a chair over to jam under the door knob, she wasn’t taking any chances. They climbed into the bed, the need for sleep out weighing their disgust for the moment and soon both had passed out from exhaustion.

Sam was rudely awoken sometime later by the door being thrown open and the chair skidding across the floor. Mel was awoken by her sudden collision with the floor as she rolled over to find that there wasn’t any more bed to roll over onto. Both turned their attention to the door expecting the entire British royal navy to come charging in after them. Instead they found a rather disheveled, very drunk and somewhat belligerent pirate swaying in the doorway, mumbling something about someone locking his room and black sheep. He stumbled his way into the room, mumbling what sounded like a song, nearly fell over the chair and landed on the bed with an exclamation of ‘Really bad eggs!’ trapping Sam under him.   
“Um, excuse me? Sir? Hello, are you dead?” Sam said poking him with her free hand. He grunted and threw an arm around her.  
“Sam, I think he’s asleep.” Mel said getting up and trying to prop the chair back against the now busted door.  
“Mel, I don’t care if he’s asleep or not, get him off.” She said trying to shove at him, but to no avail.  
“Um, yeah how about no. He looks heavy and I’m tired. Besides, he’s being quiet and I don’t think he’ll be waking up anytime soon. Just scream if he tries anything.” Mel muttered and curled up on his other side, stealing the pillow and going back to sleep.  
“This is payback for all those times I kept you from studying for tests in high school, isn’t it?” Sam asked, but Mel was already asleep. Too tired to make a big deal out of it, she followed her two companion’s examples.

“Mother’s love Jack, Ana Maria’s threatening to leave without ye, and here I find ye lazing about in bed with a woman and a man, what will the crew say? Omph!” The man’s rant was brought to an end by a pillow colliding with his face. Even when she was half asleep, Mel had a pretty mean aim when she was cranky. And she had been awoken at far too early an hour, at least in her opinion, by this old man, the second to barge into their room. If she thought the innkeeper would care, she’d have complained. As it was, it appeared that she was not the only one awakened by the man’s ramblings, their first intruder, whose name she gathered was Jack, began to stir. He untangled himself from Sam, who protested that her source of warmth had moved, sat up and looked down at both of them. Mel glared up at him, grabbed the other pillow from Sam, and hid her head under it to drown out the conversation she knew would ensue. Sam, who had been deprived now of both a warm body to snuggle with and her pillow, sat up and glanced around the room, taking in Mel whose head was buried under her pillow, their two intruders, one of which was holding the other pillow, and the door that was sadly hanging from it’s broken hinges.   
“Morning Luv.” Her provider of warmth said with a cocky smile. She glared at him. His smile quickly faded.  
“I’m not paying for that door.” She said, choosing to ignore the old man standing in the room holding the pillow and clearing his throat.  
“Jack, the tide’s going out. Best we get a move on.” He said and stepped forward to place the pillow on the bed. Sam glared at him too, just for good measure.   
“Jack is it? Well Jack,” He attempted to say something, but she was in no mood to be interrupted. “Next time why don’t you consider knocking instead of kicking down the door?” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him a bit more.  
“Sparrow luv, Captain Jack Sparrow. And this is my room.” She quirked an eyebrow up, giving him a look that in her opinion, clearly said I’ve never heard of you, I don’t care and you don’t say?   
“Oh really, then why didn’t you use your key?” He did a pretty good impression of a fish in response.  
“But I always stay here when in Tortuga, this is my room, always is.”  
“Yeah, you mumbled something about that earlier.”   
“Captain?” The old guy asked. This was all Mel could take; she wasn’t getting back to sleep with them yammering on.  
“Would you two just get out? I have had a very bad week and I would like to be getting some much needed sleep!” She said, ripping the pillow away and standing up. She stalked over to the sagging door, held it open and gestured out it with the pillow. “I don’t really care who you are, or whether or not you stay here every other time you’re in town. Wait, what’d you say your name was?” She asked, something finally registering with her.  
“Sparrow, Captain Jack Sparrow.” He said pulling on a boot she never realized he had taken off. The old guy was apologizing to Sam for Jack obviously disturbing their evening. Mel dropped the pillow and gently pushed the door shut. It decided that it had led a good life and that it was tired of all this abuse, and fell off its hinges onto the hallway floor with a clatter. This not only attracted the attention of everyone in the room, but also the innkeeper, who started up the stairs, shouting about people paying for anything broken. Jack and the old guy decided it was time to bail. Mel grabbed their bag and Sam and started down the hall after them, but got caught by the angry old woman. She tried to explain to her that it had been Jack that broke the door, but she refused to let them leave until they paid her. Mel begrudgingly dug into their bag and pulled out some little bauble that would pacify her, then bolted down the stairs after Sparrow. She caught him a ways down the street.  
“Hey, wait a minute! You owe me Captain, not only did we just get thrown out after only one day when I had paid for two, but I also had to pay for the door that you broke.” Mel said marching up to him and grabbing his arm. The old man made an exasperated sound like he was going to begin ranting again, but Jack answered her first.  
“I believe the door fell after you closed it, and it was therefore you that broke it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my ship awaits.” He shook off her arm and began walking again but stopped when he heard the pistol cock. “I really don’t think you want to be doing that luv.” He said and turned around. Mel glanced down to where her pistol was still tucked in her belt and then she also turned to look at Sam who was now wide awake and holding a pistol aimed at Jacks heart.   
“In the past week I have been shipwrecked, almost hung, shot at more times than I want to think about, walked through a bloody jungle bare foot and nearly assaulted by several drunken pirates last night. And while I was trying to get the first real sleep I’ve had in that week, you come barging through our door, which I then had to pay for, so I really think that I do want to do this. Now, I’ve never used this particular pistol before, but I can hit the ace of spades dead center at a hundred paces, so why don’t we talk about a bit of reimbursement or you start losing important bits. Comprende?” She said, dropping her aim a bit lower to prove her point.  
Jack looked worried for a moment, but then seemed to come to the same realization Mel had, that somehow Sam had stolen his pistol. Unfortunately, he smiled.  
“Now luv, you should know better’n to go threatening a man with his own pistol. As I happen to know that it’s unloaded.” He said smoothly, sauntering up to her. She didn’t lower the pistol, and continued to glare at him.   
“That one may not be, but what do you want to wager this one isn’t.” Mel said, slipping hers from her belt and cocking it. Just about then the old man decided to join their Mexican standoff and draw his, taking aim at Mel. That did it for Sam. Here they were, after all that had already happened, they were standing in the middle of a deserted street, all pointing guns at each other, trying to get someone to either back down or blow someone’s head off. She couldn’t help it, it was funny. No, it was hilarious. She started giggling. Jack’s pistol dropped to the ground, as Sam joined it there, holding her stomach and laughing insanely. They all regarded her for a moment.   
“Um, Sam?” Mel asked, trying not to divert her attention from the old man, who still held a gun pointed in her direction, although from his look, it seemed like he was doing the same.  
“Just…us…posturing…so…ridiculous…” She managed to gasp out between peals of laughter.  
“Bit mad this one, eh?” The old guy said warily.   
“You have no idea.” Mel muttered, but then thought for a moment. “Wait a minute; didn’t you start this whole thing? Why am I even in this fight?” She shifted her eyes between Jack and the old man. “Truce? You put yours down, I’ll put mine down and we can all be on our way?” She asked the old man and holding out her free hand.   
“You have an accord.” He said, taking her hand and shaking on their deal. They both lowered their weapons and Jack quickly moved between them to take his gun back from Sam, who was wiping the tears from her eyes and beginning to settle.  
“Sam, this is no time for an emotional breakdown.” Mel said with a sigh, watching her friend break down into sobs. “Look, Sam, I need you to be stable right now, I don’t know what to do.” She murmured, kneeling down next to her. “You’re making a fool of yourself. Look at you, crying in the dirt. At least I hope that’s dirt. Come on Sam, please?”  
“I give up. I can’t do this anymore Mel. I don’t know what we’re going to do either.” Sam sniffled.  
“You can’t do this to me Sam, you can’t just give up. I need you to snap out of it and think of something. We can’t just stay here crying in the street.”  
“Mel, I can’t keep this up, I don’t know what to do, I’m exhausted, and I’m scared, we’re lost and I think I’ve finally gotten us into something I can’t get us out of.”  
“Oh Sam.” Mel sighed. This was just what she needed, for her emotionally unstable friend, whom she was depending on for survival at this point, to break down. She hugged her friend and rocked with her, deciding that she didn’t care that they had almost just been shot because of Sam, or that they were kneeling in the middle of the street in who knows what, while a famous pirate was walking away, probably thinking that they were insane.  
Jack, for his part, had turned and started to saunter away with Gibbs, but paused to listen to their conversation.   
“Look ‘ere lass, what ye said before was it true?” Jack asked, shifting slightly wanting to be rid of the whole situation but hating to see a woman cry. Sam nodded and sniffled, wiping at her eyes. She hated crying, and she hated people seeing her cry even more.  
“Sounds as if ye were in a bit of trouble, I don’t suppose I could just be leaving ye here in such a state. Come on then, can’t stand to see a lass cry.” He said, helping Mel get her up. Gibbs finally threw his hands up in the air and started storming off towards the docks.  
“Now, ‘ow can ol’ Jack make things square, aye?” Sam just looked at him for a moment in confusion trying to make out what the heck he had just said. Mel had no such problems however.  
“Take us with you. Wherever it is you’re going, take us with you. Please?” Now it was Jack’s turn to look confused. But Mel wasn’t waiting for him to say no, she started heading off in the direction the old guy had gone. Jack tried to protest but found himself being hugged by Sam who was mumbling thanks and running off after the other two. It was rare that someone confused Jack, but he couldn’t help but feel he had just had one pulled over on him. He sauntered after them, wondering just what he was getting into.

“Absolutely not!” The old guy named Gibbs said and crossed his arms over his chest. He was blocking the way to the longboat and refusing to let the girls in.   
“But he said we could come along!” Mel had been vainly trying to argue the point for a few minutes now.   
“It’s bad luck to ‘ave women on board don’t need to be a superstitious man to know two women on the same ship is bad luck lad. Don’t know what the capt’n’s thinkin’ lettin’ a scrap like you and that lass o’ yours onboard.”   
“Well, it doesn’t matter what you think, he’s the captain and he said we could come.” Mel protested, also crossing her arms.  
“Hello, I’m right here and I have a name, damn it!” Sam said, waving at them.  
“And a right beautiful name it be, I’m sure, but you’re still a lass.” Luckily for Gibbs, Jack chose that moment to walk up to him, clap him on the shoulder and step into the boat.  
“Capt’n?”  
“Well, help the lass in.” He said, turning to help Mel into the boat. Gibbs glared at Sam’s smug smile, but helped her in all the same. He mumbled something about pirate ships being no place for women as he and Jack rowed back to the ship.  
“Hey it’s a lot bigger than the M.S. Imposing name!”  
“M.S. Imposing name?”  
“It’s what she named our ship.”  
“If ye have a ship, then why d’ye need to be coming along with us then.”  
“Well, we don’t have it anymore. We let M&M take it back to the commodore.”  
“It wasn’t really our ship, we were just borrowing it. You know, to escape?”  
“Was too my ship, I claimed it therefore it was mine. I was totally going to keep it.”  
“You told those nice soldiers that you were going to let them give it back.”  
“Yeah, I lied. I was going to go into port, restock and dump them there.”  
“I thought you didn’t have a plan?”  
“Not so much a plan, just an idea’s all.”  
“You hate boats.”  
“But I like freedom. Just think, we totally could have sailed the world. Always wanted to see japan.”  
“Don’t know whether I like ye lass, or whether I should be afraid of ye stealing my boat.”  
“You’re letting us come with you. I won’t steal your boat. You help me, I don’t mess with you. It’s sort of my thing.”  
“Except that you were going to mess with the soldiers.”  
“Mel, not helping. Besides, I was allowed to mess with M&M, they wanted to turn us in for being pirates.”  
“And are ye lass? A pirate that is.”  
“I guess we are now. Stole a navy ship.”  
“After escaping from prison.”  
“Because they wanted to hang us for being pirates.”  
“And we also kidnapped the soldiers, and impersonated navy officers.”  
“And don’t forget stealing from that merchant.”  
“I never stole a thing, he GAVE it to us. There’s a difference.”  
“So that’d be a yes then?”  
“Yes. Pirates.”  
“So now if the commodore catches us again he can be justified in hanging us.”  
“Let’s just not think about that, shall we?”  
“Agreed.”


End file.
